let's make a baby!

we made a baby!

2008-07-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

So much for induction. My water broke at 8am on Monday July 1. I have a huge long birth story, but the short version is it went well. I labored naturally for several hours until the back labor became too much and my blood pressure got too high. Then I agreed to an epidural and was immediately set afloat on a cloud of bliss. Got about 5 hours of sleep, woke in the morning at 10cm dilated and ready to push. But then my contractions started getting weaker and further apart, so I agreed to pitocin to get them going again. Twenty minutes of pushing, and Baby G was born.

We had a severe bout of jaundice that necessitated him returning to the hospital after one night at home. Four days under the UV lights in the NICU brought him back from a deep yellow to a proper baby color. It was so difficult to have to bring him back, to have to leave him there, to not be able to hold him except for when we fed him. But he's home now, back in my arms where he belongs.

I think he's just about the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I can not even describe the wonder of seeing his face for the first time. I recognized him the moment I saw him, as if I'd been waiting for him to come to us. He's all ours, our very own baby head to smell, all the noises and faces he makes just for us. Being a mother is both the hardest and most wonderful thing I have ever done in my life. There's no way to prepare for this. I'm in heaven.

big news x 2

2008-06-30T18:01:00.000-07:00

We are scheduled for induction for 5am on Thursday. I'm excited. I'm terrified. I'm ready.

There's a big difference between knowing you're going to go into labor any time in the next couple of weeks, and knowing it's happening at a specific time.

I wanted to go into labor naturally. I'm going to have to work through the disappointment, but I know we're making the right decision. The placenta is starting to deteriorate, so it's not just a baby size issue, it's a safety issue. I want to go into labor naturally, but I also want a healthy baby. That's top on my list of priorities.

Our nursery is done! Look!

In other news, I just found out that I my claim in a class action lawsuit against the school where I got my second degree has been approved. I will be getting up to my full tuition reimbursed, depending on the number of claimants. There is a set amount of settlement money in escrow, so I will be getting something for sure. The amount just depends on how many ways they have to divide it.

It's been a good day for news!

d minus 7 and counting

2008-06-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

Today the doctor informed me that he wants to deliver this kid in the next week, week and a half. After an internal exam and u/s, he said end of next week. The baby is getting big, already a bit over 7lbs. I'm dilated 2cm, and there are calcium deposits on the placenta. Which isn't a bad thing, just a sign that it's "getting old" as he said. Amniotic fluid looks great, heartrate is great, my BP and b/s are on target. It's just the size of the baby and the calcium that's making the doc eager.

DH is coming with me on Monday's NST appointment. I'm guessing we'll figure out then for sure when we're delivering. Since I'm starting to dilate already, doc says I'm a good candidate for induction. I'm not really thrilled about that, as it will make labor faster and more intense. But much as I'd rather a natural labor process to being induced, I'd prefer being induced to c/s. And I'd prefer all of those options over delivering a ginormous baby, which could result in a c/s anyway, so what's there to lose?

Ultimately, what I want most is a healthy baby. So I'll take whatever helps us acheive that.

full term

2008-06-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

I am officially full term. 37 weeks. My baby could technically be born any time now.

The doctor today measured the baby and laughed as he said, "That is NOT a small baby!" He's already 7lb, as the doc estimates. So much for newborn clothes. Of course I washed them already, because of course I didn't listen to anyone who told me not to, and I'm really okay with that.

We had a great chat about delivery, vaginal vs. c/s, and how I want it to go. Bottom line? He told me, "I am not here to tell you how to deliver. I am here to listen to what you want, and to help you have the delivery you want. My job is to help you have a safe delivery, a healthy baby, and the experience you want." Nice! Can't complain about that!

So, although the kid is already big and full term and all, I'm hoping he hangs on at least another week so we can finish some of the last-minute stuff around here. I think a week should be fine. I had a dream that I delivered on July 9, so if that's the case we should be free and clear.

NST update

2008-06-18T19:03:00.001-07:00

Today's NST went better. Still, the doctor told me to go home and rest, put my feet up, drink lots of cold water. And if Baby G didn't start moving around more, to go to the hospital for closer monitoring.

I told him today was supposed to be my last day of work, but it was no problem if he didn't want me to go, this was more important. He said, "No, you're done. Go home." So I called work and let them know, and went home.

Now, work. The people I work for have been acting strange lately, kind of stinky. But the people I work with have been wonderful (now that I've changed studios). The gal I work with was so disappointed I couldn't come in today, she almost cried. Then she sent me some pictures, and I discovered why she cared so much.

They went all out, coming in early to decorate my desk for me. N-- got the balloons and flowers and made the sign, and J-- had his mom drive out to the valley (as in The Valley, mocked by all in LA and at least an hour and a half from where she lives) to get me this special, diabetic-friendly, sugar-free cake.

After she sent the pictures, I got a call. She wanted to know if she could come over to bring me the goodies. She was so bummed that I wasn't there to get them, and she didn't want to make DH drive out there tonight, so she loaded up her car and drove the cake and flowers to me. She took about 1-1/2 to 2 hours out of her day to make sure I got them.

The people I work for have been on my list, and make me not want to come back at all after maternity leave. The person I used to work with - well, this would never have occured to her. If there was a celebration that it was my last day, it would have been her celebrating me finally being gone. But these guys, them I love. And apparently they love me too. =)

update

2008-06-17T17:10:00.000-07:00

Baby's moving more. He likes the air conditioning. It makes me feel better.

Also, found the kitty. He's sitting on a fence outside our window, "hiding" behind some bushes. He let me pet him, but he's not interested in coming inside. Silly beast.

NST = Not So Terrific

2008-06-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

Baby G was not cooperating at this morning's NST. He seemed to be sleeping the whole time, and didn't respond to the doctor's buzzer that he uses to wake up babies. He hasn't moved much at all today, but he was very active yesterday and today is hot, so that could be it. His heartbeat is strong. For the most part.

There are some strange dips in the heartbeat. I forgot what the doctor called it, but it starts to jump when he does move, and then it dips down lower than it should. The doctor said that it *could* indicate that there's a kink in the chord. He did an u/s and the fluid looks good, but he's still concerned and wants me to come back tomorrow for another test.

I asked him if I should be worried, and he said no, but of course I am. Especially since this little one isn't moving so much today. The doc said that we're at the point now where we could safely deliver - but we're SO not ready yet! His nursery has just been primed, and I'm still working on the crib.

Oh, there's a kick. Yay!

Anyway, tomorrow is supposed to be my last day of work, so I scheduled the NST for early in the morning and called to tell the office I'll be in late. I know they'll be disappointed if I don't make it in at all - not because I skipped out, but because it's my last day, and Thursday is my birthday, and they're going to want to make a fuss.

So this is stressful. Also, one of my kitties seems to have run away. =( DH let him out Sunday and I haven't seen him since. He's usually gone a couple days at a time, so we haven't panicked yet, but I'm getting worried.

I sure hope tomorrow's test goes well. Eager as I am to meet Baby G, I'd rather wait another few weeks.

never as productive as planned

2008-06-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

We didn't get done nearly what I had hoped to get done. I wanted the nursery mostly finished this weekend. We got a good start, but it's far from finished.

My parents came over to help for Father's Day. They didn't get there 'til about 2, though, and then wanted to go to lunch. So we didn't get started 'til about 4. My dad and DH sanded the walls in the nursery where they'd been patched, and got the room primed. My mom and I ran to the fabric store to find material to embellish the valance we were making out of a crib skirt. Originally I wanted to use the curtains that come with the set, but they're too short and it seemed a hassle to make them longer. So we took a crib skirt and cut off the ruffle, added a pocket at the top for the curtain rod, and trimmed with ribbon we found that was the EXACT color of the walls. They turned out great! (And by "we" I mean "she" - mom did all the work, even trimming the skirt so that the dotted pattern lined up just right.) I'll post pics once it's done and up.

As for me, I started my crib-pimping projects. I got one side halfway done. It goes fast, it's easy, but it takes the glue a while to dry. I'm going to get the other side glued up, mark the holes for drilling, and then let DH stain it. Or I'll get a mask and do it outside, depending on how despearate I am to get it done.

I also had a flurry of nesting anxiety and decided that every appliance in my kitchen HAD to be scrubbed, inside and out. It was quite a site, seeing me sitting on the floor with a scrubby brush, scouring the front of my range.

This is my last week of work. I work today and Wednesday, and have dr's appts on Tues and Fri. I'm hoping that having time off work will mean I have time to get stuff done. DH is finishing the painting in the evenings this week. I'm finishing the crib. Then we can put it all together and have a nursery.

sex and the city

2008-06-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

I expected the movie to be fun. Not great, a longer version of a typical episode, fun and entertaining.

I did NOT expect to go from full out belly laughs to crying like a baby over the storyline.

This movie was good - really good. They brought in all the familiar elements, some new twists, and brought it current without any real awkwardness. They even addressed Charlotte's infertility issues again. With class. Again.

********SPOILER ALERT********

I always liked the way they handled that storyline. She hurt, and there was no good reason for it. She tried everything, and went through all her options. One marriage crumbled and another blossomed, and she and her new husband decided to adopt a little girl from China. In the movie, she is a happy mother of three-year-old Lily.

Then, three years after adopting, against any odds, she becomes pregnant. She is fearful of this pregnancy, stops running because she doesn't want to hurt the baby, and just waits for the other shoe to drop. Everyone around her is having problems - relationships falling apart, life not going as planned - and she just can't believe that she actually gets to have everything she ever wanted. Why does she get to be happy? Surely something awful is going to happen to her.

A lot of women don't get to have the happy ending. She had already accepted that her own happy ending was going to look different than she had originally planned. She was a mother, a wife, content to be what she always wanted to be. Now she faced the reality of a dream she'd set aside, and the terror of having it taken from her yet again.

I don't know the details of how this storyline came to be a part of this series. I'm guessing someone on the creative staff went through infertility, because it was written with the grit of someone who knows from the inside what it's like. From her miscarriage to the shots in the ass to the hurt relationship to the final unbelievable joy and terror coexisting until that baby is in her arms, the story portrays the journey so well. Better than most attempts I've seen at this topic, even though still show-bizzed up.

For example, she tells Carrie that she'd always heard that once you stop trying it can happen, that a lot of people adopt and then get pregnant. I do wish this idea hadn't been reinforced - a lot of women adopt and still never get pregnant. A lot of people give up and live child-free. Relaxing, adopting, these are not cures for IF. Yes, sometimes it happens, but when you're in the midst of IF these are not helpful things to hear. Especially from people who haven't been through it, and think that these are answers. But I digress.

I wish there were more good examples out there. More stories to let women know, Hey, this is real. You are not alone, you're not a freak, this is really out there. More stories to let the public know, This is painful. This is not trivial, this is not just an unfortunate disappointment to get over. It's not something to joke about, or take lightly, or brush aside as insignificant.

Anyway, I highly recommend the movie. For many reasons, not just this one. It really was much better than I expected, and I went in expecting to enjoy it.

hotel review

2008-06-13T17:29:00.000-07:00

The rooms are pretty nice, seem to be recently remodelled. Typical clashing hotel rugs/bedspread, but clean and new looking. Fresh paint on the walls, granite countertops in the bathroom, new tile and crown molding. The staff is friendly (though sluggish, see below). The bed is pretty comfy, though it's high and difficult for me to get in and out of. But that's more about me than anything else.

When we got to our room I noticed that the smoke detector was, well, absent. We asked them to have it fixed on our way out to dinner. When we came back two hours later, it was still not there. So we asked again. An hour later, still nothing. And we couldn't seem to call the front desk from our room. So I trudged down there and told them that we'd now asked three times, it was late and I wanted to go to bed, how soon could someone come to fix this? The very nice lady got a hold of the maintenance man while I stood there and sent him on his way. She also fixed the switchboard so that we could reach the desk from our room.

The maintenance guy was hilarious. First of all, he showed up within about five minutes, obviously stoned out of his mind. He looked like Towely from South Park. He hooked up the detector and left, but it started chirping immediately so I caught him in the hallway to come back, it needed a new battery. As I'm telling him this, a cat poked his head over the top of the roof and meowed at me. The guy told me he'd hurry back, he had to take care of something. Apparently it was his cat, on the roof, and he had to get it back inside. Laughing, I came back to the room to tell DH "He'll be back with a 9volt as soon as he gets his cat off the roof." Gotta love it - a stoned maintenance man coaxing a kitty off the roof of a three story motel while a guest bitches at him for a new battery for her smoke alarm.

I was bound and determined to sit in the pool today. Even when I discovered it wasn't heated. It was clean at least, and the feeling of floating was indeed as good as I hoped it would be. But chilly, so I only lasted about a half hour. I need to find a heated pool to float in at some point in these next few weeks.

Our floors are done, we can go home tomorrow. Our kitties are okay, and we get them back tomorrow, all vaccinated and examed and microchipped. We're painting the nursery this weekend, and I can't wait to get that going at long last. Gymboree was having a sale, and I had a coupon for an additional 20% off. I was released from my nutritionist this morning - my blood sugar levels are so good she doesn't need to see me again. My OB is thrilled with that, my BP, and my NST results. I'm rested, clean, and I just had a snack. Overall, there's not much I can complain about at the moment.

busy weekend part deux

2008-06-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

The weekend really started yesterday. Sure, it was Wednesday, and yes I had to work yesterday and today. But as far as the weekend work load goes, it started yesterday.

We are currently having our floors refinished. The room is looking good - fresh, clean, smelling more like wood and less like cat. Tomorrow is the third coat of poly, and we can get back in on Saturday.

I'd mind the interruption a bit more if I didn't have a hotel and a pool to look forward to. I'm at that point (35-1/2 weeks) where floating weightless sounds an awful lot like heaven to me.

So then, Saturday we get back in to the house. We clean and prep the room for painting, pick up the supplies to pimp out the crib, make the house ready to get some serious work done. Dear ol' Dad requested - insisted, actually- that we spend Father's Day working on the nursery. So the whole clan is coming over. Dad and DH will paint the nursery, Mom will help with the crib and window valances, and I have no idea what Sis will do as she's in a full leg brace and can't hardly even walk. I'd put her on folding baby clothes, but I already did that in a fit of nesting.

My *hope* is to have the nursery done by the end of the weekend. My *expectation* is to have it done in the next week or two. Once we get that done, the rest of the house put together, and everything somewhat clean and tidy, I want to hire someone to come in and do a deep cleaning.

Next week is my last week of work. !!! Words can not express how happy I am about this. There's a lot of uncertainty about when/if I will return, my bosses are being odd about it all, but I'm ready to be done and put it all behind me and not think about it for a good long while. I plan on taking ALL the leave I can get, four weeks before and 12 weeks after the birth.

Anyway, that's the plan. It's a big push to get everything done before the Big Push. I'm a bit anxious about getting it all done, but I think it's feasible.

babies rock!

2008-06-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

Like Nirvana, but afraid that it might not be baby-appropriate? How 'bout Tool? Not so much? Think you could get away with Green Day? Too much for your wee one?

Well then have I found the product for you!

Check this out!

You can get them on iTunes, too. I am all over that Coldplay album.

this happens too often

2008-06-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

I am trying hard not to be angry. I'm mostly succeeding, as Sad is taking over.

My cousin who TTC for over six years before conceiving about three months ago - she found out today that her baby has stopped growing, and there is no heartbeat. She should be 12.5 weeks along, the baby is measuring 9 weeks.

She called me in tears, but I didn't answer the phone because I was at work. When I tried to call her back, it took me about half an hour to get a hold of her. Fortunately, she got a hold of her mom and was talking to her.

She was at the appointment alone, her husband had to work. She didn't want me to come meet her, she didn't want to put me out. She also didn't want to tell the family right now, because we have a big wedding coming up on Saturday and she didn't want to bum anyone out. Her words.

I talked her into letting me call my parents, so my dad could call our aunt, who would spread the news. This way, she doesn't have to deal with people thinking she's still pregnant on Saturday, and she doesn't have to drop the bomb on the rest of the family while they're trying to celebrate. I know that no one in the family would have a problem with it, but it made her feel better to let Saturday be about our cousin who's getting married, and not about her loss. I'm more concerned with her getting through the day, assuming she makes it to the wedding at all.

They scheduled a DNC for next Thursday. I find it horrendous that they can't get her in sooner than a week. And my heart just breaks for her and her husband. Six years. She was almost through her first trimester, even though the baby didn't make it much past eight weeks. She still has morning sickness, still feels pregnant.

I wish there was something I could do to help ease her pain. All I can do is be there for her, and let her grieve.

Damn it.

I came home and curled up in bed to listen to my baby's heartbeat on my useless monitor, which has never worked, but today it did. I curled up with a stuffed elephant I bought our baby a couple of days ago, and thanked God that he is still safe, I can feel him moving and squirming around. I feel guilty for being able to enjoy this, that tomorrow I get to go sit in a lounge chair and listen to his heart beat for an hour while the doctor monitors me. I get to see him on the ultrasound as the doctor checks him out. I get to do this twice a week until he's born, and then I get to hold him in my arms and cuddle him close. I have never taken a second of my pregnancy for granted. And today I am reminded yet again just how blessed I am.

But damn it. Why not her, too? I'm not any more deserving than she is. She didn't do anything wrong. She loved that baby from the moment she saw that second line on the pregnancy test. And now she has to start all over again.

Damn damn damn.

tired and grumpy

2008-06-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

Not a good morning. DH snored all night long. Loudly, like he had something to prove. Earplugs proved useless, and they hurt my ears besides, so I am beyond tired today. This morning I tried everything to get him to roll over, blow his nose, do SOMETHING to give me just a few more minutes of sleep. Finally I gave up and got out of bed - I hadn't left the hallway when he stopped. He didn't start again.

I was pissed, and very passive aggressive. I slammed doors, I let my alarm go off for a while before turning it off, I didn't close the bathroom door while I was getting ready. When it was time to leave, I just said "'Kay, bye." I usually go wake him up, give him a kiss, tell him I love him. Today I was just pissed. "Call your doctor. You snored all night." He mumbled something, didn't really respond, which just pissed me off more.

I know it's not his fault, he has no control over it. I snore too, have all my life, and I can't control it. I feel bad when I keep people awake. I don't go on camping trips or retreats because of it. But when I'm not getting any sleep, and what little I can grab is interrupted every hour or two so I can pee, then it just becomes torturous.

I don't know what we're going to do. I want him in bed with me. I want his help when the baby comes, I don't want him in another room. I can't wear ear plugs with a baby, or I won't hear him cry. Someone suggested letting DH sleep in another room with a baby monitor so he can hear if I call him. It's the best suggestion I've had so far, but I still don't like it.

He'd better stay safe today. I was bitchy to him, and slammed the door as I left the house. I hate leaving like that, I worry "What if something happens and that's the last interaction I have with him?"

I'm still tired and grumpy. It's going to be a long day.

coming home

2008-06-01T12:42:00.001-07:00

I am spending way too much time and energy worrying about a Coming Home outfit. Yes, I'm a scrapbooker and want something "picture pretty" for the occasion. But truth be told, he's going to be adorable in whatever he wears, and it will be all good no matter what I pick. Still, I'm obsessing.

I think it's because it gives me something that I feel like I can control. Everything else seems so far out of control. Also, I have so much to do it's overwhelming. This is one little thing I can focus on.

I need to stop. I need to clean and get the nursery ready. What's more important - that he look cute in the perfect outfit, or has a room when he comes home?

swaddle practice

2008-05-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

Last night my kitty was following me around, crying at me, begging for attention. She'd settle down, change her mind and get back up, paw at my leg, meow at me some more, settle back down. Disgruntled kitty.

So I swaddled her.

New Blog

2008-05-28T19:21:00.001-07:00

I am starting a new blog. This one probably won't go away, but it seems to me that the business of making a baby is just about over, and I might want a spot to talk about other things.

Everyday Miracles

You'll see why I called it that when you get there.

nesting

2008-05-26T23:18:00.001-07:00

Today the panic started to set in. I want to have everything ready by 37W, which is less than one month away. Yikes!

I started to line the drawers of our dresser for the nursery, so I could put away baby clothes and such. Then I got distracted because the bottom is falling out of one of the drawers, and I needed a staple gun, and by the time DH got it for me out of the garage less than two minutes later, I had already moved on to washing every single item of clothing, blankets, burp cloths, crib sheets, etc that we own for the baby. That, of course, had to be done right this very minute. I haven't yet finished the dresser.

I've packed and repacked the baby bag for the hospital twice now. I'm sure it will happen again and again. And again.

Is this what nesting feels like?

My sciatica has been acting up all freakin' weekend long. Sciatica sucks. But doesn't it sound like a cool name for a science fiction movie?

It's getting harder to breathe. It's getting harder to walk. It's getting harder to sleep at all, let alone comfortably. I'm loving this! No, really! It means I'm getting closer to seeing this little man in person. =)

firebelly

2008-05-23T23:17:00.000-07:00

I set my stomach on fire last night. =( I was cooking fajitas for dinner when I was hit by a Braxton Hicks. I closed my eyes for a second to take a couple of deep breaths, and my belly felt a bit warm. Thinking I had just bumped up against the pot, I opened my eyes and backed up. But it only got hotter, and when I looked down I saw flames licking up my shirt.

I screamed like a little girl – understandably, I think – and was able to put them out with the spatula (think Mrs. Doubtfire), but not before giving myself second degree burns over my tummy. They’ve blistered, and look a little charred tonight. There's just one little blister, two little welts about an inch long, and one spot on the underside of my belly that is charred, but blends in with the rest of my lovely stretch marks.

I had to throw away the shirt, which was sad because I'm limited on the shirts that fit me right now, and that was one of two that matched my brown pants. Thankfully the damage wasn't worse. Still, it was scary, and I felt like an idiot.

jewelry backup

2008-05-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

I "backed up" DH's ring last night. This is what it looks like:

As you can see, it's pretty unique. I'm thinking of trying to find another one, so that we have a "spare" just in case. There's no markings on the ring to indicate who the designer is, just the metal content (gold and paladium). There's a single diamond flush-set into one of the pieces. Those little straight pieces hold the top and bottom rings together, and the smaller trapezoid shapes shift and slide around.

But now we have pictures, more than just the single shot in our wedding album. Maybe, worst case scenario, we could go to a jeweler and have something like this made. Hopefully the situation will never come up again.

missing rings

2008-05-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

I came home from work last night just exhausted and ready for bed. Every light in the house was on, and DH was nowhere to be found. I heard him poking around in the other room, so I said "Hello!" and went to check my email. After a few minutes I thought it was strange that he hadn't come to see me and kiss me hello yet, so I asked him what he was doing. No answer. I asked him again, still no answer. I poked my head out and said, "What's wrong?" He came slinking into the office, shoulders slumped, hands in his pockets, head down, looking about ready to cry. If he had a tail, it would have been tucked between his legs.

Crap, I thought, someone died. He didn't even make eye contact with me as he said, "I lost my wedding ring."

Backstory. He has a habit of taking his ring off and putting it in his pocket. When he uses the restroom, when he's on the computer, when he's home. He only wears a ring at all because it's a really cool interactive kinetic sort of ring, with floating pieces that move around. I got him a "toy" for a wedding ring on purpose, so he'd wear it at all. He's just not a jewelry person, but he loves this ring.

And I've told him for five years that if he lost it, I would not be a happy camper. It's pretty unique, and it was hard to find five years ago. I couldn't find one like it again, and the designer has stopped making them.

He, of course, was expecting nothing but rage at his announcement that it was gone. Screaming, ranting, possibly an attempt on his life. Especially in my very pregnant and hormonal state. But honestly, it just made me very very sad. I said, "Oh, that sucks," and that was about it. I mean, me yelling at him wouldn't make me feel any better, and it certainly wasn't possible to make him feel any worse. He'd already torn the house apart looking for it, and had dreaded seeing me all day long.

We retraced our steps, and realized it probably happened at our birthing class on Saturday. Our anniversary. I had asked him to take it off for a minute as we were doing an excercise with our hands and it was hurting me. The one time I actually asked him to take it off.

We both hit the internet hard, looking for the same ring. We found similar ones, but nothing that really came close. I ended up breaking down and crying, which broke his heart. I think he'd rather I just yelled at him, but it wasn't in me. I was sad, not angry, and I felt bad for him because he was so sad too.

So I made dinner and we curled up on the couch, me to watch tv and he to continue his search via laptop. He kept saying how much he sucked, and how we should just get him a cheap nothing ring since he couldn't be trusted with a good ring and would probably just lose it again. I finally got up to take a shower and go to bed.

As I was walking by the office, I happened to look down at an ottoman we had piled with junk as we were cleaning up the house. It was dark, and I saw a small circle sitting there. Thinking it was just a keyring or something like that, I picked it up anyway just in case. It was his ring.

I walked back into the family room - I must have had an odd look on my face, because he looked alarmed when he saw me. I just handed it to him.

He made me show him where I found it. And we figured out what happened.

He didn't lose it at the class (obviously), he just couldn't remember having it since then. He had apparently taken it off at home and put it on his nightstand - a dumb move, really, because we have four cats, two of whom think they're raccoons. I can not tell you how many shiny objects we've lost, only to find them later under an area rug. In fact, while tearing the house apart he managed to find a charm I lost a couple of years ago, because I'd left it on the bathroom counter and our raccoon-kitty batted it under the rug. Apparently, the same raccoon-kitty found his ring, thought "Ooh, Shiny!" and decided it must be taken.

We're lucky the cat gets distracted easily. He probably was startled by someone coming in the room, or a piece of dust floating by, and forgot all about the ring as he scuttled back under our bed. And then forgot all about it.

DH was SO relieved! He has never hugged me so tightly as he did when I handed him the ring. He kept thanking me for not killing him, for not screaming at him. Which, let's be honest, I really had every right to do. The screaming bit, anyway. But like I said, it wasn't going to make me feel better, and he could not possibly feel worse.

We're going to photograph the ring, and DH is talking about ways of "backing it up" (yes, he's a geek ;-). At least with photos we'll have something to take into jewelry stores and say "Find/Make us this."

All's well that ends well. And you can bet he didn't take that ring off for the rest of the night.

He did ask me if I was going to blog it. I told him no. He said I should, it was funny. I told him it wasn't funny yet. Today, it's a bit funnier. But he'd still better not take that ring off.

confessions of a labor chicken

2008-05-17T18:45:00.001-07:00

I have a confession to make. I think in some ways, some secret place in my head was hoping that I'd end up with a c-section. The thought of labor and delivery terrifies me. I wouldn't even admit this to myself, but I think it's been there. I've been dreading today's class (Preparing For Childbirth/Lamaze) because I didn't want to hear it. I've been in the room when someone gave birth - twice. The first time it was good for about two years of birth control. The second, I stayed near her head and refused to actually watch. I whimper when I get a braxton hicks, I whine when I'm having a "pregnant day" and things hurt more than usual, I sigh deeply when I have to go up or down a flight of stairs. Despite my tattoo and my piercings, I am a big ol' wimp when it comes to physical pain. I don't like it, and I will do almost anything to make it stop.

Plus today I realized, as I was saying it to DH, I have been in some sort of female-related pain for three years. As soon as I stopped BCP in preparation for TTC, my cysts started acting up again. I went from that to fertility treatments that intensified AF pain to fertility treatments that had their own pain to pregnancy. I'm tired of hurting. I don't want to wrap it up with a bang.

But today we had our class, and it really wasn't bad. The video on c/s scared me more than the video on vaginal birth. The effects of the various medications scared me more than the implications of not taking them. There are more positions for labor and delivery than I ever imagined, and DH is damned good at the backrub thing (we'll work on the coaching of the breathing thing).

And I learned that I am probably not even a candidate for an epidural, because of my blood pressure. I can still consider narcotics, but the epi is pretty likely to be out.

The birth I have witnessed in person was horrible. I sensed it at the time, I know it for fact now. The mother was not allowed any freedom of movement. She was not allowed anything to eat or drink. They rushed her labor, rushed her pushing, the doctor yelled at her to push, and eventually decided he was tired of waiting and wanted to do a c/s. At which point a nurse said "Hell No," crawled on top of my friend, and pushed down on her belly 'til the baby came out. It was violent, and traumatic, and invasive. It was also my only point of reference.

Apparently this hospital does things differently. My L&D room will have a shower, which I am at liberty to use with or without DH. They encourage switching positions for contractions every couple of hours or so. I get to decide what position to push from, based on what feels most comfortable to me at the time. I can have food and drinks, and there is even a little mini kitchen available for DH to get me ice water or heat up a neck pack or get me some juice. The rooms have a rocking chair, they suggest laboring on the toilet, and overall it's just set up to make a laboring mom feel as comfortable as she possibly can under the circumstances.

I walked into class today thinking, "Okay, I changed my mind, I want off this ride now." I expected to walk out of class today more worried and afraid of labor than before. Instead, I find myself thinking, "I can do that." I'm still considering medicinal help, but I'm leaning more towards analgesics and maybe a shot of narcotics. I'm not that upset that I may not even be allowed to have an epidural. I don't really hope for a c/s, as it actually seems like the more difficult of the options, and I really am still looking for the easiest way out of this. Well, maybe not "easiest," but least traumatic.

And I want to hold and nurse my baby as soon as possible, which would be before the cord is even cut if I deliver vaginally. If all goes well, the baby comes out and is immediately placed on my chest, then the cord clamped and cut.

I also learned something else today. I have been worried about DH in the delivery room. He has a very hard time watching people he cares about go through pain. I've been thinking of who I would want to help him help me through labor. He was a champ today, though, and I have full confidence in his ability to help me through this. We are truly having a baby. And now I can hardly wait.

new law in town

2008-05-16T12:58:00.000-07:00

I didn't even realize that the issue of gay marriage was up before the Supreme Court, but apparently it was, and it passed.

I really can't see what the fuss is about. If "they" really want to make a case against this, they really need to come up with some better arguments. The ones I've heard so far are pretty flimsy.

They say it will devalue the meaning of "real" marriage. How? My marriage is in no way affected by anyone else's. The people who have weddings for their dogs, they guy who wanted to marry his car, now THEY devalue the meaning of marriage. Even still, it has no impact on my relationship with DH whatsoever.

They say that it will hurt the children. They say that marriage is for procreation, but what about couples who can't have kids? What about gay couples that adopt? I'd rather see a child go to a loving home with same-sex parents than be shuffled around in foster care from family to family who see her as a paycheck.

Ultimately, though? I see love on one side and hate on the other. Regardless of your beliefs regarding the gay lifestyle, I think we can all agree that love=good and hate=bad. I just can't take sides with an argument that is based on intolerance and hatred and fear.

I'm sure I have more to say about this, but my lunch break is over and it's time to get back to work.

random thoughts

2008-05-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should make Random Thoughts a feature of this blog. They happen often enough these days.

Anyway.

Random Thought 1: I burnt dinner again tonight. I'm too lazy to make something else, so I'm going to pass it off to the husband anyway. Fortunately, he ain't picky.

Random Thought 2: We don't rub our bellies to flaunt anything. We rub them because they are uncomfortable. This isn't a plea for sympathy, just saying.

Random Thought 3: The ceiling fan in our office is causing a strobe light effect with the can lights, and it's giving me a headache. I haven't had many headaches since becoming pregnant. I used to get migraines on a monthly basis. I'm not looking forward to their return.

Random Thought 4: I've been a part of Neilson TV Ratings for the past two years. Yesterday they wanted to start me on a new program that would include having my computer usage monitored. They weren't very up-front about what was being monitored, said it was just what sites we visit on the internet. But upon reading the Privacy Policy, I realized that they monitor EVERYTHING I do, EVERYTHING that is on my computer, every program, every document, every file, EVERYTHING. I called them tonight to say No Thank You, and my rep seemed offended. Sorry, toots, but it's way too 1984 for my taste. Don't need Big Brother watching over my shoulder.

Random Thought 5: The timer on the microwave just beeped. Dinner is done. Well done, in fact. Talk to you later!

baby care class

2008-05-13T19:07:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'll admit it. I only took the Baby Care class because it was part of a package deal at our hospital. I know how to change a diaper, how hard can it be to give a baby a bath, and I don't need to worry about baby-proofing just yet, right? Right?

I learned a whole lot last night. Mostly that there's more to diapers than Huggies, there's an art to giving a baby a bath, and half the things I need to baby-proof didn't even occur to me.

I paid attention, took notes, and came home with a sense of "Oh golly, what have we gotten ourselves into?!" But it's all good. I love these classes. The instructor has been informative, giving us a ton of knowledge without being overwhelming or dry.

A couple of things that stood out in my mind. I'll start with the end. She was talking about bottles, nipples, and formula, whether sterilizing everything is necessary, how to preserve formula that's already been mixed. DH tuned her out completely. The man who wasn't sure he even had an opinion about breast feeding less than a month ago turned to me, rolled his eyes, and pulled out his pocket PC to play a video game. I found it endearing, and didn't have the heart to tell him to listen up, you never know what situations we might face as parents.

Earlier in the evening she talked about circumcision and how to care for it after. Now, please let me state very clearly here that I believe that it is possible to hold an opinion - a very strong opinion - and to in no way judge someone who holds the completely opposite opinion. I do not want to start up a debate on circumcision, should you shouldn't you, you must believe what I believe. It is a very personal choice, and I respect any choice you make so long as it is an educated choice.

Having said that, the decision to not have our son circumcised was one of the simplest that DH and I have made. Several months ago I asked him what he thought about it, he asked what the arguments for each side were. I told him, he said "I don't see the need to do it," I said "Me neither," and that was it. It took me longer to type this than it took for us to agree. We took longer to decide on a crib.

So we went into this class already in agreement that we would not be circumcising our son. And when she showed the pictures of the different ways it's done, and how to care for it in while it heals, it solidified my opinion even more. It took every ounce of strength in my body to not run from the room in tears after seeing a picture of a newborn strapped to the table, spread-eagled, beet red and screaming his head off.

I'm sure there was some propaganda going on there. I don't care. I believe that many of the images used in the Pro-Life campaign are chosen specifically for their emotional impact, but that doesn't stop me from disliking the thought of abortion.

My entire body clenched up. My nails dug into the palms of my hands. I had to compose myself before I could trust my voice enough to ask if they'd just do this automatically, or if I'd have to give my consent first. The baby must have sensed a disturbance in the force, because he was kicking like a pro soccer player in there. I'm sure the clenching didn't help.

She turned on the lights and dismissed us for break. I turned to DH and said an emphatic "Hell No!" I told him on the way home that if we hadn't been in agreement about this before, I'd have to pull momma perogative on him. They ask the mom to sign, the baby falls under the mom's insurance, and this mom is just not going for it.

So that was last night. We have two classes left. Saturday is an all-day class on Preparing for Childbirth. I'm scared of that one. The thought of labor and delivery terrifies me. It is Unknown to me, and it gives me fear. I almost - almost - hope that I have a cesarean instead, just to avoid having to go through contractions and pushing. I want drugs, lots of them, and already feel guilty about it. I'm hoping this class will help put me more at ease, but I'm afraid it will only serve as fuel to the fear.

Oh, and Saturday is our five-year anniversary. I guess it's appropos celebrating the biggest event in our lives so far by learning how to get through the biggest event in our lives coming up.

Then we have Becoming a Parent next Monday. I'm not sure what that one is about (besides the obvious), it was part of the package too. I think it's about how to survive the first month of having a newborn at home. I'm sure that, just like the classes we've had so far, it will be informative and full of things we never even thought of.