the beginning of scary

An ultrasound on day 11 of my cycle showed a lot of little tiny cysts on my ovaries (18 on my right, 8 on my left) and one dominant follicle on the left. A second ultrasound showed that the follicle had burst, assumedly releasing an egg. When that happens, the body starts to produce progesterone, and the levels climb until AF arrives again, starting a new cycle. So, even though it looks like I ovulated based on what the doctors saw, the best way to confirm it was to have blood work done a week later. Which was Monday. Ideally, the progesterone should be around 10. Levels 5 and below, from what I understand, indicate an annovulatory cycle. My level was at 6.8 – which is on the low end.

Apparently I ovulate poorly. I always thought of ovulation as a pass/fail situation – release the egg, good, don't release the egg, bad. As it turns out, however, a woman can ovulate poorly. Perhaps the egg doesn't develop to maturity, or is released too late. I'm not sure what exactly is going on with me, but the nurse said a very nasty C word on the phone, and it made me want to cry.

No, not *that* C word , the other one. Clomid. *shudders* In other words, mood swings and crying jags and horrible cramps before, during, and after AF and O. Hot flashes, weight gain, migraines. Clumsiness, memory loss. Joy.

I took Clomid for four months, and tolerated it fairly well until about halfway through my fourth cycle. It was as if someone flipped a switch, and I hated it. Deeply and passionately despised it. I hated what it did to me. I hated what it did to the people around me. DH was very very careful around me, always walking on eggshells, never knowing if I was going to scream or laugh or burst into tears. My depression ramped up, I had panic attacks, and I lost all interest in anything at all, especially sex. And really, no one should have to live like that.

So I don't know what the next steps are for me. The nurse said something vague about injectibles, and told me that they'd get me authorization to come in and consult with the RE again to talk about a game plan. I'm already putting together my list of questions.

If I grow the follicle okay, just don't release the egg well, could a trigger shot work for me? If my progesterone is low, can I supplement it by using progesterone suppositories, cream, or injections? Is this why my LP is so short, and is that cause for concern? Can I get the injections at the clinic on my way to work, or does DH have to figure out a way to shoot up his sobbing wife? I'm going on a training retreat (of sorts) in August – will I have to inject myself, will the schedule interfere with my treatment? If we're doing injectibles, does that automatically mean IUI, or can we still try "naturally" even though I'm hopped up on hormone treatments? What is the risk of multiples, and how do we avoid high order multiples (no more for two at a time for me).

I know I sometimes sound like I have all the answers, but really, I'm just full of questions and doubt. The only things I know for sure are: We can not get pregnant on our own, and this is when things start to get really scary.