Clomid

The first time I took Clomid, on CD3 of my last cycle, I sat on the bed and stared at the pill for about five minutes before putting it in my mouth. I had mixed feelings about it - afraid of the side effects, eager to do something to help us conceive, anger that it had come to this. I wanted so badly to conceive naturally. It "should" be the most natural thing in the world, right? If I took that pill, it would be an irrevocable step towards admiting to myself that we needed help. I put it in my mouth and drank half a glass of water to wash it down.

This cycle, I'm taking Clomid again. I have no mixed feelings about it. I want to take it, and I want it to work. I want a baby so badly my heart hurts with it.

I find that I have a hard time remembering things anymore. Just in the last two or three weeks. About the same time, I started having mood swings, crying jags, cramping, and I keep dropping things. I think it's all a result of the Clomid - side effects of the drug, as my hormones flex to new levels. I was prepared for the crying and moodiness. But my mouth doesn't seem to work right anymore. If I talk too fast - which is my norm - the words get all mooshed together. The other day I kept dropping things, even as I was complaining about dropping things. I'd make an effort to hold on to something, and it would slip right out of my fingers. It's a very strange feeling.

So today is CD3 of C18. I start Clomid tonight, and take it through CD7. our plan is to do this for two cycles, then switch to CD5-9 for two cycles. We haven't planned beyond that at this point. I don't want to think beyond that. I don't want to think about March and no child growing inside of me.

It's a delicate balance, walking the line between hope and reality. I need to stay positive, believe that this is going to happen for me. At the same time, I need to plan for if it doesn't happen when we want it to. I have to believe that this is our cycle, that this is going to work. But I can't set myself up too high, or the fall will break my heart. Again.

I always knew that being a mother would be full of love and joy and heartbreak. I never knew that the road to motherhood would be full of the same.