Christmas Prayer
I'm really just not feeling the holiday spirit this year. I'm still waiting to test, and I'm afraid I'll be getting a BFN for the New Year. Which makes me sad - I O'd this month, and we timed BD well, and I really hope it works for us this time. But I fear it may not have.
On top of everything else, I'm addicted to POAS. I'm only 6DPO, and I POAS yesterday, knowing full well that there was no way I'd get a BFP even if I am pg. I told one friend that I just don't know what to do with myself when I don't have to POAS, and since I'm done with the OPKs this month and the monitor is just giving me High all the time, I didn't POAS yesterday at all and I felt lost. So I broke out one of my 20 HPTs and lo and behold, a BFN. Shocker, right?
I've been dizzy and sick to my stomache since Tuesday, and I'm ravenously hungry. In my mind I can't help but think "Hey, my mom says she had morning sickness from the first week through the day she delivered - maybe that's what this is!" But I also know that CD5 is just too damn early to tell. I know this. I know better. I'm going to be crushed as it is if I get a BFN, why do I need to make it worse on myself?
So tonight is Christmas Eve. I originally was supposed to test tomorrow, but since AF was late and I O'd later than originally estimated, I'm now testing on New Year's Eve.
Which, if I get a BFP, could be very poetic. DH proposed to me four minutes past midnight on New Year's Eve four years ago, so I could tell him that he's going to be a daddy at the same time this year. It would be very cool if it works out that way.
So now I wait, and I wait and I wait, and then I wait some more. I'll still probably go through several HPTs this week, even though it's still too damn soon to get a positive. I bought 20 of them online for 95ยข each, so I can certainly afford to test to my heart's content. It's just so depressing every time I get a negative, even when I know that I should expect it. In the back of my mind is a little voice that says "Some women know early. Some woment get positive tests early. Maybe you're special, and will know sooner than they say you can know." Egotistical and silly? Yes. I know. I do. But it's still there.
Dear God. Please oh please oh please let there be a little one growing inside of me. Please let me be a mommy. Please give me a baby. I've been patient, I've waited, I'm doing all I can to make this happen. I need your help, and I'm asking. Begging. Imploring with all of my heart - please make me a mommy this year! Amen.
posted by joyous melancholy at 6:06 PM
2 Comments:
Hi Jessica.
I'm a fellow mesage-boarder from ivillage. I've responded to a couple of your posts, so you might remember me. My username there is Turtlegirl203.
I popped in here after responding to one of your posts and seeing the link to this blog. I know all of us on those boards have a lot in common, but the whole time I was reading this blog I was like, "OMG, this could totally be me writing these things." With perhaps the exception of your religious faith - I'm pretty much agnostic - but I still related hugely to your reaction to someone telling you about "God's plan". I don't know why people think that will help. I don't like to rail on about that too much, considering that I'm not a believer and it could be misconstrued, but it just seems like a callous thing to say.
This is such a difficult journey. One of the other things that really resonated with me is when you mentioned that you knew motherhood would be fraught with heartache, but that you hadn't considered that the journey there would be. Who knew when we were younger and constantly worried about an accidental pregnancy, that it would be so hard when we were ready for it?
Anyway, if you ever want to email me, you can do so from the ivillage boards. I'd love to have someone outside of my circle of friends and family to muse and vent with on this.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for both of us. Take care.
Michelle
Hey, my first comment! Yay! I typically write my blogs for myself, but I'm glad someone found it helpful.
I was raised in a Christian home, and still consider myself a believer even though I don't currently attend a church, and I hate almost everything "the church" is doing these days. It's supposed to be about love, not defending (as one author put it) "dried ink marks on brittle paper."
So it's from that place that I rail against people who tell me that this is God's plan for me. I just don't buy it, and I can't believe in a God that plans for me to suffer. I can, however, believe in a God who is with me in my suffering.
I'll be seeing you around the boards, and I'll probably drop you an email. It's always nice to expand our circles with people who not only know what we're going through, but are going through it too.
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