angry mourning

So even though I am still royally cheesed off, I still mourn the loss of a friend I thought I had. Even though I am still hurt, and want nothing to do with her, I still grieve. And even though I still have imaginary arguments with her in my head, I am sad.

At least she's not here today. Reprieve.

And that's all I have to say about that. Already this whole thing is taking much more energy than it should.

And now for something completely different.

It seems that Clomid is doing its job, in many respects. I have a good sized follicle ready to ovulate any second now, as confirmed by an u/s this morning. We'll have a second u/s tomorrow morning, and most likely will do an IUI at that point. I am strangely ambivalent about this. I'm not excited, I'm not dreading it. It is what it is. And even though I have no reason to believe that it won't work – there's no reason it shouldn't work – I have no faith that it will work. Which is not good. Self fulfilling prophecy, anyone? I need to get into a better mindset. I need to believe this will work. I do believe that if I can't get to that point, my body might believe it won't work, and then it won't work. Or something.

I really want it to work.

I'm really sick of this not working.

Again, I find myself simultaneously angry and sad. I am pissed that this has taken so long. I'm steamed that I need help with this. And I grieve. I mourn the children I should have had by now. I cry for my ever empty arms. I think daily about why I want this so much. A book I recently read put it best, when the author said "I long for a vessel of my love to send out into the world." I yearn for a little one to love and love and love, and to see what kind of effect that will have on the world around me.

The other way Clomid is working? I've been in tears on and off all day. No reason, other than I'm about to ovulate, and that's what the Clomid does to me. I'm dropping things – I dropped my iPod three times the other night, after never dropping it ever in the almost two years I've had it. I can't remember things for shit. I'm feeling generally mean when I'm not crying. My body aches, my head is killing me, and I have cramps.

This had better work.