newbie

If anyone actually reads this thing, let me start off by apologizing for the following. It's not meant to offend or discourage anyone. But sometimes on a journey so fraught with disappointment, one has moments of weakness and humanity, and this is where I let stuff like that out.

I have a confession to make - I am bitter. This in no way comes as a surprise to me. I've been TTC for a year and a half, and it's hard for anyone to stay optimistic for that long. It's a difficult thing, trying to balance the hope that it's going to work this time, with the reality that it might not. I have to believe, but not set myself up for too much disappointment.

I was a newbie once. I posted my "Hey, I'm new here" message and let everyone know I was trying. I asked what all the abbreviations meant, because I was lost. Acronyms like DH, AF, and TTC I could figure out. But what the hell is BFP and BFN? In my own head, I still call them "Big Effin' Plus" and "Big Effin' No." I was young to this process, couldn't tell my EWCM from a runny nose, and had no idea when it was time to test. Now I know, but I still test early, because that's just who I am.

Now, every time a newbie comes to the board, I feel a little sad for her. "Hi! I'm new here, I love my husband, and I'm just so excited because we just decided to have a baby! A fall baby would just be so great! I can't wait to be a mommy!" There are many variations on the theme, but it's always the same.

And I can not help but think to myself, "Oh, honey. You are SO not going to get pregnant the first time you try. You're going to worry about every little twinge your body makes, obsess about babies every time you have sex, and think that you're pregnant three days later, just because your boobs hurt. You're going to cry more than you ever have in your life, and feel more alone and crazy than you ever thought possible."

Of course, I don't say any of this to any of them. I've been there myself. The third month we were trying, I thought for sure I was pg because I couldn't eat anything but chicken salad without throwing up. Hell, last month I was convinced I was pg because I got dizzy on Space Mountain. I'm not so different from those new to TTC. We all started off there, and many of them will end up where I am now. It's a sad sad truth, but it's true.

Every once in a while a lady comes on the message board to say she's new and trying for the first time. And it works. Less than a month later she's posting in the BFP section. She pops in for just a brief stay, and what no one says out loud is that many of us who've been here for a while deeply resent her. She's a complete stranger who did nothing more than get lucky her first try out, and many of us sit at home seething because it was so damn easy for her and why not for me?!

So there's the ugly truth. I don't hate newbies - I'm often one of the first to help them out. I envy their enthusiasm. I don't really want to crush their spirits, nor do I wish that pain on any of them. But I also know that many of them will have their spirits crushed by this crazy ride we call TTC.

And they have to learn it for themselves. We all do. We have to go through the joy of starting, through the pain of months of negatives piling up behind us. And I pray that we come full circle, back to the joy of having a child.