Thursday, June 05, 2008

this happens too often

I am trying hard not to be angry. I'm mostly succeeding, as Sad is taking over.

My cousin who TTC for over six years before conceiving about three months ago - she found out today that her baby has stopped growing, and there is no heartbeat. She should be 12.5 weeks along, the baby is measuring 9 weeks.

She called me in tears, but I didn't answer the phone because I was at work. When I tried to call her back, it took me about half an hour to get a hold of her. Fortunately, she got a hold of her mom and was talking to her.

She was at the appointment alone, her husband had to work. She didn't want me to come meet her, she didn't want to put me out. She also didn't want to tell the family right now, because we have a big wedding coming up on Saturday and she didn't want to bum anyone out. Her words.

I talked her into letting me call my parents, so my dad could call our aunt, who would spread the news. This way, she doesn't have to deal with people thinking she's still pregnant on Saturday, and she doesn't have to drop the bomb on the rest of the family while they're trying to celebrate. I know that no one in the family would have a problem with it, but it made her feel better to let Saturday be about our cousin who's getting married, and not about her loss. I'm more concerned with her getting through the day, assuming she makes it to the wedding at all.

They scheduled a DNC for next Thursday. I find it horrendous that they can't get her in sooner than a week. And my heart just breaks for her and her husband. Six years. She was almost through her first trimester, even though the baby didn't make it much past eight weeks. She still has morning sickness, still feels pregnant.

I wish there was something I could do to help ease her pain. All I can do is be there for her, and let her grieve.

Damn it.

I came home and curled up in bed to listen to my baby's heartbeat on my useless monitor, which has never worked, but today it did. I curled up with a stuffed elephant I bought our baby a couple of days ago, and thanked God that he is still safe, I can feel him moving and squirming around. I feel guilty for being able to enjoy this, that tomorrow I get to go sit in a lounge chair and listen to his heart beat for an hour while the doctor monitors me. I get to see him on the ultrasound as the doctor checks him out. I get to do this twice a week until he's born, and then I get to hold him in my arms and cuddle him close. I have never taken a second of my pregnancy for granted. And today I am reminded yet again just how blessed I am.

But damn it. Why not her, too? I'm not any more deserving than she is. She didn't do anything wrong. She loved that baby from the moment she saw that second line on the pregnancy test. And now she has to start all over again.

Damn damn damn.

3 Comments:

Blogger Melissa said...

I responded to your PGATTC post, but I just wanted to say again how terribly sorry I am for your cousin. It's devastating to lose a pegnancy regardless, but to lose it after so many years of infertility is just plain cruel. Really, where is the fairness in this world?

I will most definitely keep her in my thoughts and prayers. She must be devastated beyond words. She's been dealt a huge blow and I don't think it's easy to bounce back from something like this.

She's lucky to have you as part of her support system.

3:53 AM  
Blogger Dreamer4agift said...

I am so so so sorry for your cousin. It brought tears to my eyes. You're right, it's not fair that she has to start all over after such a long wait. She's in my thoughts and prayers.

8:33 AM  
Blogger joyous melancholy said...

She has such an amazing spirit. She told me that she isn't giving up, she knows this will happen for her, and she's going to keep trying. Her insurance changes next week to the same insurance that covered all of my infertility treatments, and she will likely see my same RE. I had hoped it wouldn't come to that, but since it has I'm glad she'll get good coverage and good care.

I'm going to make sure someone is with her at her appointments in the beginning, too. I hate the thought of her there yesterday, alone, having to deal with this.

2:51 PM  

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