confessions of a labor chicken

I have a confession to make. I think in some ways, some secret place in my head was hoping that I'd end up with a c-section. The thought of labor and delivery terrifies me. I wouldn't even admit this to myself, but I think it's been there. I've been dreading today's class (Preparing For Childbirth/Lamaze) because I didn't want to hear it. I've been in the room when someone gave birth - twice. The first time it was good for about two years of birth control. The second, I stayed near her head and refused to actually watch. I whimper when I get a braxton hicks, I whine when I'm having a "pregnant day" and things hurt more than usual, I sigh deeply when I have to go up or down a flight of stairs. Despite my tattoo and my piercings, I am a big ol' wimp when it comes to physical pain. I don't like it, and I will do almost anything to make it stop.

Plus today I realized, as I was saying it to DH, I have been in some sort of female-related pain for three years. As soon as I stopped BCP in preparation for TTC, my cysts started acting up again. I went from that to fertility treatments that intensified AF pain to fertility treatments that had their own pain to pregnancy. I'm tired of hurting. I don't want to wrap it up with a bang.

But today we had our class, and it really wasn't bad. The video on c/s scared me more than the video on vaginal birth. The effects of the various medications scared me more than the implications of not taking them. There are more positions for labor and delivery than I ever imagined, and DH is damned good at the backrub thing (we'll work on the coaching of the breathing thing).

And I learned that I am probably not even a candidate for an epidural, because of my blood pressure. I can still consider narcotics, but the epi is pretty likely to be out.

The birth I have witnessed in person was horrible. I sensed it at the time, I know it for fact now. The mother was not allowed any freedom of movement. She was not allowed anything to eat or drink. They rushed her labor, rushed her pushing, the doctor yelled at her to push, and eventually decided he was tired of waiting and wanted to do a c/s. At which point a nurse said "Hell No," crawled on top of my friend, and pushed down on her belly 'til the baby came out. It was violent, and traumatic, and invasive. It was also my only point of reference.

Apparently this hospital does things differently. My L&D room will have a shower, which I am at liberty to use with or without DH. They encourage switching positions for contractions every couple of hours or so. I get to decide what position to push from, based on what feels most comfortable to me at the time. I can have food and drinks, and there is even a little mini kitchen available for DH to get me ice water or heat up a neck pack or get me some juice. The rooms have a rocking chair, they suggest laboring on the toilet, and overall it's just set up to make a laboring mom feel as comfortable as she possibly can under the circumstances.

I walked into class today thinking, "Okay, I changed my mind, I want off this ride now." I expected to walk out of class today more worried and afraid of labor than before. Instead, I find myself thinking, "I can do that." I'm still considering medicinal help, but I'm leaning more towards analgesics and maybe a shot of narcotics. I'm not that upset that I may not even be allowed to have an epidural. I don't really hope for a c/s, as it actually seems like the more difficult of the options, and I really am still looking for the easiest way out of this. Well, maybe not "easiest," but least traumatic.

And I want to hold and nurse my baby as soon as possible, which would be before the cord is even cut if I deliver vaginally. If all goes well, the baby comes out and is immediately placed on my chest, then the cord clamped and cut.

I also learned something else today. I have been worried about DH in the delivery room. He has a very hard time watching people he cares about go through pain. I've been thinking of who I would want to help him help me through labor. He was a champ today, though, and I have full confidence in his ability to help me through this. We are truly having a baby. And now I can hardly wait.