Who am I kidding?

Seriously, who? I've been trying to say that I'm not anxious this cycle, that we're not really trying, that the pressure is off because we're going to do an IUI next month.

But the truth? The one that just slapped me in the face late last night as I was exhausted and driving home from a fun night out with some friends? The truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared that we still won't get pregnant this cycle. Even though we're "not trying," we actually did try, and we timed intercourse and I started temping and I started Evening Primrose Oil pre-O. How is doing all of this considered "not trying?" I have no clue.

And I'm scared about the IUI. Not the actual process - I've had worse done to me. But I'm scared it won't work. And then we'll have one less option to try before the end of the road.

In my head, I know this is silly. Options are only good if you use them, right?

I'm a big analogy person, so bear with me on this one. I've only see Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? once, while I was getting my nails done one day. Bits and pieces of other shows, enough to gather the premise. The contestant has lifelines that they can call on when they need help answering a question. They can ask the audience for help, they can call a friend, they can reduce their multiple choices by half... Sometimes the contestant doesn't use them when he should. He tries to save them for later, and make it through for a while on his own. Sometimes the contestant uses them all up right away, to help him get as far as he can before he loses.

So what's better? Do I use my option, knowing that it's one less thing to try later down the road? Or do I do everything I can now, and come to that end sooner?

I don't know if the analogy holds, but that's the best I could come up with at this point. IUI is like a lifeline for me, and though I'm glad I have the option, and it might just help us, at the same time I know that I'm going to run out of options some day, and doing and IUI now means that I'm one step closer to that day.

But. If I don't try it, I'll never know. What good is saving all my options if I never use them?