that bitch

*** POSSIBLE TMI ALERT ***

I have no idea what the hell is going on.  Last night I peed, wiped, and *bam* AF was there.  Not spotting, not over reacting, full blood.  I cried my eyes out.  I used to think that was just an expression, but my eyes are all buggy today, puffy and swollen and red, I cried so hard.  Body-wracking, tears won't stop, "God must hate me and I'm letting everyone down and I can't do this anymore" crying.  I told DH "I can't even look at you, I'm so ashamed of my infertility."  Which made him cry.  Which made me cry even harder. Which I didn't even think was possible. 

Today?  Not a drop of red.  CM is white and creamy again.

So of course I tested.  BFN.  It's 13DO (12DPIUI). I've never made it to 13DPO before. Usually my LP is 10-11 days, 11 being "late" for me.

I swear, this is just cruel at this point.  AF is just fucking with me now.

At least I'm not crying anymore. At this point, I'm just pissed.