unhealthy response to fear

Tomorrow my husband goes into the hospital for surgery. For the very first time in our relationship, I will have to take care of him. And I'm scared.

I'm used to him taking care of me. And as politically incorrect as it may sound, I like being taken care of by my big strong man. I have never seen him incapcitated or out of commission. He's always healthy and on the go.

He will spend tomorrow night in the hospital, and come home Tuesday. It's not the surgery itself that scares me. I've had this particular surgery myself, and though it sucks, it isn't life-threatening and he will be fine. What scares me is seeing him helpless in the hospital bed. Leaving him there for others to look after while I go home to my cozy bed. Seeing him go through the pain that I already know he's going to go through, and being unable to do anything about it.

So what do I do? I pick a fight with him, and now we're not speaking to each other. And when he tried to reach out to me, I told him I wasn't interested in talking to him and just kept reading my book. Then I went and sat in the bathroom and cried. Now I'm in the office typing this while he's in the family room. I'm surprised he hasn't asked me about dinner yet, but I'm not in the mood to be the one to break the silence. I'm afraid I'll only make things worse.

I had every intention of making today a good day for him, since the rest of his week is going to suck. We went to Costco to pick up some foods that will work for him after his surgery. I told him I'd make him anything he wanted for dinner, since it will be his last solid food for a while. I really wanted today to be good.

Instead, I've been a Class A Bitch. Don't get me wrong - my point was valid and it's something we need to work out. And he didn't respond in the best of ways. But today was not the day to deal with this, and the way I handled it was not healthy, and now we're both miserable. Yet somehow I feel like maybe I won't be so scared of tomorrow if I'm pissed off at him.

How twisted is that?