injectibles

CD1 hit me with a vengeance yesterday morning, as I was on my way out the door to take an exam for my certification. Knowing I was going to be stuck in an exam room for one 3-hour test, and one 6-hour test, I threw on an overnight pad, packed a couple extra, and tried to not think about it on my way to the test.

The academic portion of the exam went fairly well. I feel like I knew about 80% of the information without a doubt, made good choices on about 15%, and guessed randomly for about 5%. I need 70% to pass, and they won't tell me the percentage when they give me the results. It's just pass/fail.

At the break before the 6-hour drafting portion of the exam, I hit the restroom. And discovered that I had leaked through my overnight pad. I had a huge red stain on my ass, and it was very noticeable. So I stripped down in the bathroom to try and blot it out, hoping that wet spot would be less noticeable. No such luck. And there wasn't time to drive home and change, so all I could do was tug down on the back of my shirt and bear through it.

The test was brutal. No one finished. They grade on the curve, and I got a very good start on every section, so I'm hoping they'll see it and say "She knows what she's doing, she just ran out of time." If not, I'll be back in March. Maybe. Depending on how stressed out I am at the time.

So after being exhausted after getting up at 6 after about 4 hours of sleep, the disappointment of starting my period four days late, the embarassment of bleeding through in a big way, and the utter difficulty of the exam, I cried all the way home. And I haven't seemed to be able to shake it since.

During the break between the exams I just happened to look at my phone to see what time it was, and noticed that it was ringing. I had it turned to silent for the test. It was my RE, returning my call from earlier to tell them a new cycle had started. They got me in today (Sunday - gotta love a clinic that's open every day). DH and I headed out this morning to have an u/s follicle check (can you guess how fun that is on CD2 of a heavy period?), and to get schooled in injectibles. I have a case in my fridge now of Follistim, ready for my first shot in the stomache tomorrow morning.

I came home from the doctor and just went to bed. Slept away most of the day. I only got up because I had promised my cousin that I'd go visit her dad in the hospital today. I am sad, I am discouraged, I am exhausted. I feel beaten down and trompled over.

DH keeps asking me if I'm okay. I keep telling him no, but there's really nothing he can do about it. He's worried about me. I'm worried about me too. I have no idea how I'm going to keep doing this.

The paperwork we had to sign today said that this drug has a 60% conception rate. I'm ignoring the part where it said that, of that 60%, there's a 25% rate of miscarriage. I can't think of that. I did see, though, that there is also a 15% chance of twins. That's higher than my chance of conceiving at all naturally.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've thought I'd have twins. I've had three sets of twins as friends at different stages in my life, and every time I met a pair of twins I thought "Yeah, that makes sense to me." DH's aunt is a twin - well, I guess two of his aunts are twins. It would be a very difficult pregnancy, very high risk, and I don't know how my body would handle it. But it doesn't scare me. I've been disappointed every time an u/s has confirmed a single follicle, and I've never really believed that any of them would work. DH is terrified of two at once. I told him today, though, that I'm going for it if they tell me I have two follicles. He agrees, we should go fo it.

So, tomorrow it's CD3 and my first shot of Follistim. I've given my sister shots before, but never myself. I can't decide if I want to just do it myself, or have DH do it for me. Or drive to the clinic so they can give me the first one. I think I'll do it myself, but have DH next to me. Maybe let him give me one later, but for the first one, I think I want to do it myself.

Then I take progesterone suppositories for two weeks after the IUI. They told me to under no circumstances take a HPT. The meds can give me a false positive, so they'll draw blood and call me with the results.

I have to find a way to seriously relax this cycle. I've been too stressed out, and that can't be helpful. I need to start eating better again, no more excuses about how hard it is to take care of myself right now. I need to reduce as much stress as I can. The test is over, work is settling down, I have nothing I absolutely have to do. I might look into accupuncture. Or get a massage. Anything to relieve some of this tension. If I don't enjoy living in this body right now, how can I expect new life to want to start here?