bitch, moan, grumble

I feel like I've been doing nothing but complain about things for a few weeks now. I'm starting to get sick of the sound of my own voice, going on and on about things that are bothering me. But things are really bothering me, and maybe if I get it all down in one place I can start to let go of the little stuff so I can deal with the big stuff.

Little Stuff:
People really need to stop touching my belly. Especially when I ask them to stop. Boundaries seems to be a huge issue with some people, and I am always the Bad Guy for trying to lay any of them down. Please don't touch me unless you're invited to. Please don't try to butt in to events that aren't about you. Please don't push me when I say that yes, we do have names picked out, but we aren't sharing them with anyone. I'm going to stop being nice about some of this pretty soon now, and seeing as how I'm just about a week away from the 3T, I think I can get away with some justifiable bitchiness. I am not going to be leaving my baby anywhere, and yes I do plan on breastfeeding and cosleeping for as long as I damn well want. I'm the momma now, it's my turn to make these decisions, and what you think about it is really quite irrelevant.

I'm still waiting to hear about the job that I was supposed to have heard about last Friday. No call. They said they'd call either way. I've left polite emails ("Let me know if there are any questions or concerns I can clear up for you!") and phone calls ("Just touching base, I can't wait to hear from you!"), and nothing. Maybe they're just still interviewing and deciding. Maybe they just don't want me. Or maybe they don't want me yet. I'll tell you, though, the surest way to get me to want something really super badly is to tell me that I can't have it, or to make me wait. DH learned that in regards to the Wii for Christmas last year. "Isn't that cool? Yeah, you can't have one because they're impossible to get..." I never wanted something so badly as I wanted the Wii in that moment.

But I digress.

In the mean time, I am still at this other place. I am very thankful that it has gotten better - I'm in the nicer showroom, the people I work with are wonderful and they like me and they're so understanding of when I don't feel well or have a doctor's appointment. Even this "part time" deal isn't so bad, it gives me time to not feel well or have a doctor's appointment, as well as not straining myself too much by working all day, every day. But it's still not where I want to be. As I told a friend of mine, I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy, and I'll take that for now.

And, last little thing, I'm sick. I got a cold last week, spent most of last weekend in bed, and it's still not getting better. I think it went from Head Cold to Sinus Infection. The doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics and told me I could take Tylenol Sinus, as long as it wasn't maximum strength. It's helped a bit, and now I have that scratchy sore throat that indicates that the drippy phase of the sickness is almost gone, and I'll be coughing for the next couple of weeks. Joy.

Big Stuff:
Okay, here's what I need to deal with now. Gestational Diabetes. This is a Very Big Deal. Not that I have it - I expected that. I have PCOS, and had borderline insulin issues before getting pregnant, I'm not in the least bit surprised that GD is an issue for me. What *does* surprise me is the extent to which it is a problem.

My numbers are high. Too high. Probably too high to control through diet and excercise alone. I got my monitor today, and that's not so bad. A little finger stick, a little blood, a cool new electronic gadget to play with... I hate keeping logs, though. And I hate seeing that number so high. I feel like failure, even though it's day one and I haven't been given any guidelines yet.

The doctor told me to watch what I eat. Smart food choices and portion control. I asked him if he had any literature to help me determine what smart choices would be, and what portions should be, and he said that what he had was out of date and he didn't know where to point me. I mentioned that the whole thing sounded similar to the South Beach Diet, and he said yes, go with that for now, and got me a referral to a nutritionist. I'm supposed to be tracking my levels for the next week, but I have no idea when I can get in to see the nutritionist, and I'm flying blind here. Tonight for dinner I had a flank steak with cheese, green beans, and a small portion of brown rice. One hour later, my number was 178, when it was supposed to be below 120. In fact, it hasn't been below 120 all day, except for right before dinner, when I was starving because I took a nap and dinner was late. What I don't get is, it was 128 before lunch, and it was 127 one hour after lunch, and I know that lunch wasn't all "smart choices" (leftover taco salad).

I made the mistake of researching the risks of GD. I don't want to talk about that.

So I talked to someone who went through it, and that made me feel better. I went to a GD support board, and heard all the success stories of women who had it worse than this, and that made me feel better. I made DH tell me it would be okay, and that helped too.

I can do this, I know that. As someone told me, injections and diet, Ha! Big deal! I did that to get pregnant. And at least this time, I *know* there's a prize waiting for me at the end. A beautiful, wonderful, perfect little prize. That alone makes anything I'm going to have to do worth it.

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There. Hopefully I've gotten that out of my system. Because I want to focus on the good things, too. How it feels when this little one kicks me from inside. Finally settling on nursery decor. Buying the diaper bag I wanted at a pretty good price on eBay. Having a wonderful person planning a kick-ass shower for me and DH. Getting to the point where people don't have to ask me if I'm pregnant anymore, they just smile and give me an "Aaah! When are you due?" Little baby treats arriving unexpectedly in the mail. There's a lot of wonder and joy that goes along with this. I don't want to get bogged down in just the negatives.