Redemption, Shawshank or otherwise

One of the best movies ever made is The Shawshank Redemption. (Don't believe me? Look it up on IMDB.com.) In it, Tim Robbins plays Andy, a man who is wrongly convicted of a crime, and is sent to prison. There, he mets Red, played by Morgan Freeman. One of my favorite movie lines of all time is when they meet, and Andy asks Morgan Freeman's character why they call him Red. "It's because I'm Irish." He delivers the line as if it should have been obvious, but there's a twinkle in his eye that lets you know he's giving his new friend a hard time.

Towards the end of the movie, Red is released from prison on parole. He gets a job at a grocery store, bagging groceries. There is a moment when he flags down his manager to ask if he could have a short break to use the restroom. The manager looks at him and tells him that, if he has to go, just go. He doesn't have to ask for permission.

As Red is narrating this event in his life, he says, "Forty years I been asking permission to piss. I can't squeeze a drop without say-so."

Now, there's a reason why I'm telling you this. For the past eight months, I've been working in an environment where my every move is watched. All of my work is scrutinized, by someone who is never happy unless the work is done how she would do it, when she would do it. I can not make a move - any move - without facing criticism and scorn, even if the move was one I was supposed to make, and was executed perfectly.

For the past three days, I have been working in an environment where I am respected and liked. I am seen as competent, and the work I am given isn't so much as glanced at when I am done. I have the perogative to make decisions, even though this isn't my usual environment and I don't quite know how things are done here. Not once has someone asked me, "What are you working on over there?" If they don't have something they need help on, they assume that I am grown up enough to find something that needs doing.

And yet, I find that I am questioning myself. Did I do that right? Is it okay to tell a client this? Maybe someone should look this over, just in case... Thing is, what I do for a living is as natural to me as going to the bathroom. But because of how I've been treated for the past several months, I started to lose confidence in my ability.

Truth is, I am a damn good designer. I am good at my job, I am good with clients, and I am good with vendors. I know what I'm doing. I'm qualified, certified, and experienced. The only things holding me back from finding better work is the current housing market, and my growing baby belly. But I am valuable, and an asset to any company that is smart enough to bring me on board.

Having experienced an evironment like this, is it any wonder that I am unwilling to go back to "prison?" Now, Red took it even further. Jumped parole, left the country, and spent the rest of his days on a tropical beach with Andy, running boats and living completely free.