my biggest fear

Have you ever read the book 1984? You know, Big Brother and all of that?
I've read it several times. It fits into my liking of conspiracy theories and my enjoyment of science fiction stories.

Towards the end, after they catch the two lovebirds, they separate them and then subject them to their biggest fears, as a way to break them. And ever since I read that book, I've been afraid to voice what my biggest fears are, for fear of them being used against me some day.

Like I said, I'm big on conspiracy theories.

I have a new Biggest Fear. And instead of stuffing it down and keeping it hidden, so that Big Brother can't ever use it against me, I'm going to spill it and get it out in the open. Hopefully if I get it out, it won't hold any power over me.

My Biggest Fear these days is miscarriage. I have been TTC for 2 years, and I am almost desperately afraid that I will be able to acheive pregnancy, only to lose the baby. Every time I read a post on a message board about a woman who's just gone through this, my heart breaks for her and I get a sense of panic in my own chest.

The real pisser is this - it's a valid fear! It is a very real possiblity for me, as opposed to some government agency finding out my darkest fear and using it against me. That's just silly. But this fear, I can't call it silly and just excuse it.

I have high blood pressure, I'm overweight, I have a history of IF on both sides of my family, and I have PCOS. Did you know that a woman with PCOS has a 25% chance of miscarriage? The average for a "normal" healthy woman is 10%. (I read that somewhere, and as we all know if you read it somewhere it must be true.) I am taking Metformin, a diabetic drug that's used in PCOS patients to treat the insulin issues, and as long as I stay on that throughout the first trimester, my chances of m/c go back down to the "normal" 10%.

I still don't like those odds.

I don't buy into the phrases and so-called comforts that people tend to offer up to a woman who's lost her unborn child. "At least you can get pregnant" - well, that's great, but what good is that if I can't STAY pregnant? "God must have loved your baby so much He wanted her in heaven." So God is just so selfish and jealous that He'll give me a baby, only to snatch it away from me before I even get a chance to hold it? I don't think so. "It must not have been right. Something must have just not been right" No shit. But that's small consolation. I can only make babies that "aren't right?"

Now, I'm spouting off about something I've had no experience with. And I mean no offense to women who have found comfort in these types of phrases. But I will never say them to someone, and heaven help the person who ever says them to me. Because miscarriage sucks, and it's painful, and I consider it to be the loss of a child, not just the loss of a potential child. And what do you say to a parent who has just lost a child?

There's not much to say. And I'd rather hear that silence - at least it's honest.

And, mostly, I hope that I never have to experience this issue from the other side. That is my biggest fear.