IVF - how do I feel?

While in my public life I try very hard to be non judgemental, to live and let live, and to not cast a shadow on the life choices of others, in my private life I firmly believe that there is a clear cut right and wrong on most issues. I won't go into what they are (that's part of the first part), but they're there in my head (that's the second part). I don't honestly believe that some decisions are right for some people, but wrong for others - not from a moral standpoint. Obviously the same choices aren't right for everyone all the time, but on certain issues, I don't really buy too much into the gray areas.

But when I come to IVF, I can honestly say that I do not believe that there is a right or a wrong. And so I'm writing this post to try and figure out how I feel about it for me. Because, as an issue, I can't see how I have any right to say "This is immoral," or "There's nothing wrong with it, go for it." In my mind, it really and truly is an issue that has to be decided on a very personal level.

And I know that my world view will play heavily into my decision. But I believe that, for the people who decide it is the right choice, it is right. And for those who decide it's the wrong choice, it is wrong. And when I look at the issue for myself, only I (and DH) can decide what is right or wrong. For us.

I have a bit of a problem with it. I don't know if I could do it. I believe that life begins at conception. I've given it a lot of thought, listened to both sides, and come to the decision on my own. I'm sure I've been influenced by my conservative Christian upbringing, but I have made my own decision about it, and I believe that life begins when conception occurs.

So, is it conception when it takes place in a dish? Or is it conception when the embryo actually implants into my uterine lining? If I hold to the belief that it's conception when the sperm and the egg meet up, and the cells start to divide, then implantation has nothing to do with it. If I hold to the belief that life begins at implantation, then it's not an issue.

What happens if we decide to go for IVF, we're convinced it's our best option? I take the shots, grow a bunch of follicles, and they get a good number of eggs out of me. It could be a dozen or more, it could be six or less. But I'm talking about more than they'll implant at once, more than, say, three. If they can harvest a bunch of eggs, and get them fertilized, and only implant three, what happens to the rest?

We could freeze them, in case it didn't work the first time and we need to try again. Or we could let them "die" (for lack of a better word). Whether we freeze them now and let them go later, or let them go right off the bat, those fertilized eggs are gone. If it works, and I end up with triplets, and we decide we're never ever going to use the frozen ones, did I just destroy life?

That's where I get hung up. Because, logically, if I think that life begins once that egg is fertilized, then yes, I just killed a bunch of life. But if life begins at implantation, or even later, then no. They're just potential life, and there's nothing wrong with letting them go.

And my heart is telling me that it's okay. If this is my only shot at having a baby (or three), then it's okay. If we freeze the "leftovers" and let them "die" later, it's okay because they're not little babies. I'm not really killing anything.

See why I can't draw a line here? I deeply, honestly, truly believe that this is one of those things that a couple has to decide for themselves. I believe in seeking medical help for IF. I trust technology and medicine, right alongside my trust in God. I believe that God will bring this about when it's right, but that does not stop me from seeking every solution I can find, taking every action I can think of, to bring it about as well.

So.

I think that I'm becoming okay with the thought of IVF. I didn't really expect that. I had no idea where I was going with this when I started writing it. I guess that's why I started writing it.

I have a lot more thinking to do about it. DH and I have to decide if it's right for us. The risk of multiples is much higher, and that would mean some serious life changes - more so than having a single child would mean.

But at least now I can start to see it as an option.