stepping down

Well, it was a short run, and good while it lasted, but it's over now. I resigned my post as co-cl ("community leader," kind of like a moderator without any mod priviledges) of my message board.

I'm tired. I can't seem to shake this funk, and I need a break. And I can't take a break if I'm supposedly a leader. So then I'm stressed, and feeling like I've let people down, and really, who needs that? It's supposed to be a good thing, a place for support and recharging.

I figured I'd have the support of "my" gals on the board. What I didn't count on was the kudos for being strong enough to do what I needed to for myself. I feel weak, and selfish, and ready to break down and cry, and they're saying that I'm an inspiration, a good example of how to be strong enough to take care of Me. I feel like a fraud. I feel like saying, "Can't you see I'm a woman broken down by this? Can't you see that I don't think I'm going to make it on my own, I need professional help, and I hate everything about myself right now?" (And since some of them read this blog, I guess I just said it, but somehow that's different than posting it on a message board.)

The truth is, I don't want to be strong, and I don't want to be an inspiration. I want to be a mom.

Ever watch Scrubs? Bear with me here, this is tied in. There's an episode where JD is turning 30, and he finds an old list of things he wanted to do before he was 30. And on that list was "Finish a Triathalon." So he hears there's one the next day, and decides to jump in. No training, no preparation, no idea really what he's getting into. But he sticks with it, noting that it doesn't matter how long it takes him to finish the race, as long as he finishes. So he's running the last leg as the other Triathelets are off to roast a celebratory pig. And just before he gets to the finish line, he collapses. He can't move any further. He is spent, and doesn't have any strength left in him. His friend Elliot comes along, and decides he has to finish this race, so she picks him up and carries him piggy-back across the finish line.

So. Anyone wanna give me a piggy-back ride?

*sigh*

The only good thing I can take from this TTC journey, at least from this side of it, is this - maybe, hopefully, my story will help someone else. Much as I hate that I've become one of the seasoned experts on the board, I am glad that others can benefit from what I've been through.