long way to happy

This is a rough week for me, emotionally speaking. There's nothing really going on to make it any worse than any other week. But I feel it. I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for a year.

I am filled with anger. I am so angry with my previous doctor, the one who cost me six months. I am angry that I didn't listen sooner to those who told me to move on to an RE. I am angry at all the other ob/gyns who hurt me, so that I felt comfortable enough to stay with this one just because she hurt me less. I am angry that I have to wait another month for my surgery, which isn't even scheduled yet, and then another month to start trying again. I am angry that people keep telling me that everything happens for a reason.

Strangely, I am not angry with God. I'm actually talking to Him again. Mostly, though, I'm pleading on the behalf of others. I can't quite bring myself to pray for myself - what if I do and the answer is still No? I'd rather not ask. He knows the desire of my heart. Besides, there are enough people praying for me. It's too hard for me to have faith for myself right now, but I can have faith for others.

I am also filled with sadness. The kind that makes me not want to do anything, talk to anyone, move at all. I don't want to cook dinner, clean the bathroom, clean the family room - even though I've been telling myself for weeks that I need to do these things. I've copped out on cooking dinner for the past several weeks now, doing cheater meals like Mac and Cheese, taco salad, spaghetti and sauce from a jar. When I'm feeling good I can whip up a great meal - chicken stuffed with feta and spinach, london broil marinated overnight in baslamic vinegar and onions, pork chops with home made applesauce. Not so much lately, though. I want to spend as little time as possible actually making food. And nothing tastes right anyway, nothing tempts me. Except that package of donuts I bought when I went shopping hungry...

Come to think of it, I feel a lot like I felt when I was taking the Clomid - sad, angry, weepy, moody... Maybe it comes with the ovulation, and I'm just not used to it? Or maybe I'm just looking for excuses for why I feel this way.

I wonder if I should step down as cl of the message board. I feel like I have nothing to give right now. Honestly, the only thing that keeps me going back there are the emails and messages I get from ladies telling me they're thinking of me. I originally started our Elfing program so that ladies could send support to each other (it's kind of like a Secret Sister exchange), and I never assigned myself to anyone since I was putting it together. But I've been receiving several cards a week, sometimes with little gifts, and it's been such a blessing. I keep them in my Fertility Notebook, so that I can look at them if I want to.

Anyway, here I am. Sad, angry, weepy. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. How much longer will I have to wait? My heart hurts to think of it.