OT: sleep study = anxiety

I had a sleep study on Friday night. I was nervous about it all week, and if there wasn't a $250 cancellation fee I probably would have stood them up. I've done this before, and it is no picnic for me. Stirs up all kinds of anxiety and phobias, and I had a pit of dread in my chest until it was over.

I got there around 9pm, and waited while they prepped the others there for the study. I don't usually go to bed 'til 11 or 12, so they saved me for last.

They hooked me up to a total of 22 wires, coming out of my hair and all over my face and down my legs. They told me they'd be video taping me. They said they'd watch me to see if I needed to try the mask. Then they turned out the lights and expected me to fall asleep.

Right.

I was so anxious, I could hardly breathe right. I kept repeating to myself "You're strong, you're in control, you're okay. They can't do anything to you that you don't let them. You're okay." I kept thinking of the people who love me and knew I had to do this, and all the people who emailed or posted on my message board to say they'd be thinking of me. "You're not alone, someone's thinking of you right now, you're okay."

The bed was too short, so the sheets wrapped around my feet and restrained them, which ALWAYS gives me what my grandfather used to call "wormy legs" - Restless Leg Syndrome. I didn't sleep, just lay there twitching my legs and trying to remember to breathe. After an hour, they told me I needed the CPAP, or oxygen mask. Well duh, I wasn't breathing right and my legs were twitchy. Classic signs of needing the mask, even if I never did fall asleep.

They have these new masks designed for people who hate the big one that covers half your face, which is the one I had to use last time. This one is just a tube that goes under your nose, with straps around your head to hold it in place. He had me hold the tube while he secured the straps. Suddenly, I couldn't breathe, I started shaking, my heart felt like it was going to explode it was beating so fast. When he asked me if it felt comfortable, I tore it off my face and said "No! No no no, I can't do this, I'm not doing this, NO!"

The technician was really very kind. He tried to find out what about it was bothering me, if they could try something else. I showed him my hand, which was shaking uncontrollably, and said "No. I'm not trying anything else." He was gentle with me and told me that was okay, he wasn't going to make me do anything I didn't want to do, or was uncomfortable with. But he did try to urge me to try it again, and backed off when I just about burst into tears.

He hooked up my wires again and left. After that I was able to fall asleep for two hours. He came back in to my room because I had torn off a couple of the wires in my sleep. I asked how long the study needed to last, he said he needed six hours of recordings total and he'd check. We both knew the study was pretty much a bust, since I didn't hardly sleep at all and I woudn't tolerate the mask. When he came back to tell me how much longer I had, it was twelve minutes. So I stayed there for twelve more minutes, he came and unhooked me, I filled out a post-study questionnaire, and I came home to take a shower (I had goo all over my face and head from the wires) and fall back into bed. Next to my husband, with my kitty, where I belong.

Thank God that's over. I'm never doing that again. Before I left, I told DH "I'd rather go to Mother's Day dinner at my mom's house than go here tonight." He just looked at me and kind of laughed, "Wow, you REALLY don't want to go to this thing!" Again I say, Duh!

I don't know if it would be different if I were at home and in complete control of the situation. If I wasn't already strapped down with wires and bands and monitors. I mean, I couldn't even turn over, there were so many leads coming off me. Maybe it would help if DH had to use one (I'm sure he will, he has more of the classic signs of Apnea than I do). We could do it together, bond over it, give each other moral support, get used to it in the comfort of our own bed. But there, in a strange place, with strangers watching me, already strapped down to the bed with the wires and leads and all, there was just no way.

It has taken me all weekend to recuperate. DH was a saint to me yesterday. He let me sleep in as long as I wanted, and when I got up he asked me what I wanted to do. "Nothing." He said Okay, that can be arranged. We ended up going to Wendy's for burgers (one of my favorite weekend fast food choices), and to the mall for what started as a quick errand at Target and ended up being a two-hour shopping spree. When we got home an I asked him what he wanted to do for the rest of the evening, he said "We could go to Disneyland and get corn dogs for dinner." Again, a favorite weekend dining choice of mine. The corn dogs on Main Street are the Best Corn Dogs EVER. He also humored me by suggesting I get that small backpack I've wanted for Disneyland trips, and then by shopping at Disneyland for ways to decorate it and make it a Disney Bag. He took very good care of me, and I love that man more than I ever thought possible.

Today was another lazy day. I'm just starting to feel like myself again, instead of like a neurotic mess. Yesterday and today, I let myself have whatever anxieties and neurosis that came my way, since I had to fight against them so hard Friday night. And I'm finally feeling like I'm ready for a new week.