red box brigade

I woke up early yesterday, not sure how much time I'd need to do my first injection. The procedure itself wouldn't take long, getting the pen ready with the needle and the correct dose would only take a few seconds. But the actual doing of it, the talking myself into it, I had no way to gauge how long that would take.

I put it off as long as I could, and when I was ready for work, I woke up DH. I thought I wanted to do the injection myself, but I definitely wanted him there with me, for moral support.

We have to keep the medicine in the fridge, and it comes in a cute little case. The pen looks like colorful pen swag from a computer show or something, and the little vials of needles are individually packed. The nurse even gave me some alcohol pads to clean the injection site, so I was all set. It took me about two minutes to get everything set up.

Then my hands started shaking so badly, I almost dropped the pen. I quickly closed my eyes, and told DH "Here, you do it!" He didn't hesitate a second. Pinched the skin, inserted the needle, pushed the medicine through. I rubbed it in with a warm washcloth, then lay back on the bed and cried.

It didn't hurt, though. And DH was great – didn't even flinch, and I was worried about him being able to do it. He said it wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. We put the needle into our shiny red sharps box with the biohazard sign on the side, I went to work, and that was it.

This morning I got up early again. DH brought me the case, I set it up, and did it myself. They told me the first one was the worse, and they were right. It hurt a bit when I did it, but not much and I'm not squeamish about needles.

Today I'm feeling better about this whole thing. I always do a few days into a new cycle. Today is CD4, so AF is mostly gone and it's just life again. Waiting to O, waiting for IUI, then waiting for the results. Lots of waiting.

I started my meditations again last night. I've missed it, but I forget about it and how much I need it. This cycle has GOT to be about relaxing, enjoying life again, making my body as hospitable as I can. I can't grow new life if I'm all strung out and anxious all the time. And I don't want to live like that for my own sake, or the sakes of those around me.