sadness to anger

I am so so sad today, and it's pissing me off.

We decided not to go to WA. DH decided, because I didn't want to be the one to make the decision, so he decided it wasn't worth the stress, and that pisses me off too. Not him, he made the right decision, and I really didn't want to go.

But I want to want to go. I hate that I'm going to miss out on seeing my new niece, and my little nephew. My BIL and SIL, who I adore. I hate that I am so hurt, that I can't even handle a weekend with these people.

Today at the RE's office for my CD3 checkup before starting injections again, I just sat there in my little paper napkin and cried. I asked the doctor if it was worth even trying this again, with the same protocol, since it is only giving us a 10% chance. She said not to give up yet, try it at least one more time.

But I felt so small, like a scared little girl. I'm 33 years old, and I'm sleeping with a teddy bear again.

I hate this. I hate this so much. Why does it have to be so damn hard? I fucking hate this.

At least now I'm pissed. I like that better than being sad.