Wednesday, September 26, 2007

so *this* is what hope feels like…

I have been to the doctor early in the morning every day since last Friday. Wait… not Saturday. But I've watched the sun come up these past two days, and besides Saturday I've been up way before I'm accustomed.

But it's okay. I'm actually having a good week. I've been confident and hopeful about this cycle. I've been feeling much better about this journey. I believe this is a combination of the Clomid leaving my system, my stressors being reduced, active work at relaxing and dealing with what I'm going through, and my natural response to the beginning of a cycle. Prayers and support of friends and family play a HUGE part, I will not overlook that. Whatever the absolute reason for my change in emotions, I'll take it.

Over these past several days, we were told we'd have three to four follicles release with the trigger shot. This morning, two of them had released. I liked my odds better with three, was slightly nervous about four but willing to go for it, and am somewhat discouraged by two. I never do ovulate from my left side…

I made the mistake of asking the doctor what my chances were, and he said that at my age with two eggs my chances are 10%. Which is a big difference from the 60% that the paperwork we signed for the drugs claimed. Still, DH's count was great, and now they have twice the targets to aim for. I'll be thrilled if they can find one of them this time.

Last cycle I tried to guard my heart. I tried to brace myself for the disappointment that was sure to come. I had no faith in the procedure, in my body, in the doctors. I had no faith that God was going to let this happen for me, not this time. I thought that by being cautious, I would be protected from the pain when my cycle ended.

Yet the end came, in all its crashing devastation, and I was not protected after all. Not only did it hurt just as badly, I was already depleted from not having any hope through the preceding weeks. The crash came, and I was pushed under a wave of despair and depression.

So a different approach this time. I choose to believe in this process. It's a numbers game. Maybe I have a 10% chance, but with two eggs I figure my un-medicated, un-helped odds are doubled. I've got twice as good a chance as I would with one egg. And if not this time, we have two more ahead of us. The odds may not be in my favor, but I've always believed in the underdog. I'm a Cubs fan, after all.

Two weeks of hoping, letting my heart be open to the idea that this could work. Two weeks of enjoying the possibility. Shoring up my energy, buffering the storm that's possibly coming with two weeks of relaxing, letting myself be happy, choosing to be positive.

I test on October 9, blood work at the clinic, anywhere from 7-9:30 am. I get the results about two hours later. Perhaps I should take the day off. Either way the test goes, I am going to cry and have a very emotional day. That's okay. If it's negative, hopefully these two weeks of positive thought will help me weather it. If it's positive, there will be MUCH rejoicing.

(As a side note, this particular clinic has a success rate of 50% with IVF, with a total of 47% of IVF patients bringing home a live baby. Should we end up going down that road, at least the odds are much more in my favor.)

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