expectations

They told me that once I got pregnant, it wouldn't matter how it happened. For the most part, they were right. I'm so happy to be pregnant, I don't really care that it happened in a room with an audience, someone else doing the aiming.

But that doesn't mean I am done grieving my infertility. There is part of me that is still sad that we had to have so much help. I was not the first person to find out we were pregnant. First a lab tech, then the doctor, than the nurse, then me. It's not a horrible thing, and I know that in the "olden days" the doctor found out first (or the poor bunny, who found out when she met her maker). But I had an expectation for how it was "supposed" to be, and it turned out to be different.

Which really shouldn't surprise me. I mean, how many things in life turn out just exactly how we imagine them to be? Even now, as I'm pregnant, it's not what I expected. I expected to spend every minute fretting and worrying about the baby. Until today, I haven't worried a bit. I've been convinced that this is It, this is The One, this baby ain't going nowhere and I'm going to be just fine. It's been nothing but happiness and grins.

Of course, today I heard horror stories about someone's multiple miscarriages, and it freaked me out. My pregnancy symptoms have decreased this past week, which of course has me convinced that something's wrong. If the hormones are getting stronger, and my baby is growing, shouldn't I be feeling MORE sick, instead of less? Today there's no morning sickness, the heartburn isn't so bad, my boobs don't hurt, I'm not as bloated as I was... So of course I panicked and called the doctor to tell them "I don't feel pregnant anymore! You're the experts, and I'm freaking out, so I'm calling you so you can tell me whether I should come in or if I should just chill." They're closed of course, but I'll probably hear from them tomorrow morning. And they'll probably tell me to chill.

And then I remember - lunch made me totally sick to my stomach. I had heartburn all afternoon. I still have those gassy cramps I've had for two weeks. I'm not bleeding, or spotting, even a little. I bought one of those wedge pillows to sleep on, which I used for the first time last night, and maybe it just worked, which is why I actually slept well last night.

So I have come to at least one conclusion about pregnancy. It makes me crazy. At least that is EXACTLY as I expected!