big news x 2

We are scheduled for induction for 5am on Thursday. I'm excited. I'm terrified. I'm ready.

There's a big difference between knowing you're going to go into labor any time in the next couple of weeks, and knowing it's happening at a specific time.

I wanted to go into labor naturally. I'm going to have to work through the disappointment, but I know we're making the right decision. The placenta is starting to deteriorate, so it's not just a baby size issue, it's a safety issue. I want to go into labor naturally, but I also want a healthy baby. That's top on my list of priorities.

Our nursery is done! Look!

In other news, I just found out that I my claim in a class action lawsuit against the school where I got my second degree has been approved. I will be getting up to my full tuition reimbursed, depending on the number of claimants. There is a set amount of settlement money in escrow, so I will be getting something for sure. The amount just depends on how many ways they have to divide it.

It's been a good day for news!

d minus 7 and counting

Today the doctor informed me that he wants to deliver this kid in the next week, week and a half. After an internal exam and u/s, he said end of next week. The baby is getting big, already a bit over 7lbs. I'm dilated 2cm, and there are calcium deposits on the placenta. Which isn't a bad thing, just a sign that it's "getting old" as he said. Amniotic fluid looks great, heartrate is great, my BP and b/s are on target. It's just the size of the baby and the calcium that's making the doc eager.

DH is coming with me on Monday's NST appointment. I'm guessing we'll figure out then for sure when we're delivering. Since I'm starting to dilate already, doc says I'm a good candidate for induction. I'm not really thrilled about that, as it will make labor faster and more intense. But much as I'd rather a natural labor process to being induced, I'd prefer being induced to c/s. And I'd prefer all of those options over delivering a ginormous baby, which could result in a c/s anyway, so what's there to lose?

Ultimately, what I want most is a healthy baby. So I'll take whatever helps us acheive that.

full term

I am officially full term. 37 weeks. My baby could technically be born any time now.

The doctor today measured the baby and laughed as he said, "That is NOT a small baby!" He's already 7lb, as the doc estimates. So much for newborn clothes. Of course I washed them already, because of course I didn't listen to anyone who told me not to, and I'm really okay with that.

We had a great chat about delivery, vaginal vs. c/s, and how I want it to go. Bottom line? He told me, "I am not here to tell you how to deliver. I am here to listen to what you want, and to help you have the delivery you want. My job is to help you have a safe delivery, a healthy baby, and the experience you want." Nice! Can't complain about that!

So, although the kid is already big and full term and all, I'm hoping he hangs on at least another week so we can finish some of the last-minute stuff around here. I think a week should be fine. I had a dream that I delivered on July 9, so if that's the case we should be free and clear.

NST update

Today's NST went better. Still, the doctor told me to go home and rest, put my feet up, drink lots of cold water. And if Baby G didn't start moving around more, to go to the hospital for closer monitoring.

I told him today was supposed to be my last day of work, but it was no problem if he didn't want me to go, this was more important. He said, "No, you're done. Go home." So I called work and let them know, and went home.

Now, work. The people I work for have been acting strange lately, kind of stinky. But the people I work with have been wonderful (now that I've changed studios). The gal I work with was so disappointed I couldn't come in today, she almost cried. Then she sent me some pictures, and I discovered why she cared so much.

They went all out, coming in early to decorate my desk for me. N-- got the balloons and flowers and made the sign, and J-- had his mom drive out to the valley (as in The Valley, mocked by all in LA and at least an hour and a half from where she lives) to get me this special, diabetic-friendly, sugar-free cake.

After she sent the pictures, I got a call. She wanted to know if she could come over to bring me the goodies. She was so bummed that I wasn't there to get them, and she didn't want to make DH drive out there tonight, so she loaded up her car and drove the cake and flowers to me. She took about 1-1/2 to 2 hours out of her day to make sure I got them.

The people I work for have been on my list, and make me not want to come back at all after maternity leave. The person I used to work with - well, this would never have occured to her. If there was a celebration that it was my last day, it would have been her celebrating me finally being gone. But these guys, them I love. And apparently they love me too. =)

update

Baby's moving more. He likes the air conditioning. It makes me feel better.

Also, found the kitty. He's sitting on a fence outside our window, "hiding" behind some bushes. He let me pet him, but he's not interested in coming inside. Silly beast.

NST = Not So Terrific

Baby G was not cooperating at this morning's NST. He seemed to be sleeping the whole time, and didn't respond to the doctor's buzzer that he uses to wake up babies. He hasn't moved much at all today, but he was very active yesterday and today is hot, so that could be it. His heartbeat is strong. For the most part.

There are some strange dips in the heartbeat. I forgot what the doctor called it, but it starts to jump when he does move, and then it dips down lower than it should. The doctor said that it *could* indicate that there's a kink in the chord. He did an u/s and the fluid looks good, but he's still concerned and wants me to come back tomorrow for another test.

I asked him if I should be worried, and he said no, but of course I am. Especially since this little one isn't moving so much today. The doc said that we're at the point now where we could safely deliver - but we're SO not ready yet! His nursery has just been primed, and I'm still working on the crib.

Oh, there's a kick. Yay!

Anyway, tomorrow is supposed to be my last day of work, so I scheduled the NST for early in the morning and called to tell the office I'll be in late. I know they'll be disappointed if I don't make it in at all - not because I skipped out, but because it's my last day, and Thursday is my birthday, and they're going to want to make a fuss.

So this is stressful. Also, one of my kitties seems to have run away. =( DH let him out Sunday and I haven't seen him since. He's usually gone a couple days at a time, so we haven't panicked yet, but I'm getting worried.

I sure hope tomorrow's test goes well. Eager as I am to meet Baby G, I'd rather wait another few weeks.

never as productive as planned

We didn't get done nearly what I had hoped to get done. I wanted the nursery mostly finished this weekend. We got a good start, but it's far from finished.

My parents came over to help for Father's Day. They didn't get there 'til about 2, though, and then wanted to go to lunch. So we didn't get started 'til about 4. My dad and DH sanded the walls in the nursery where they'd been patched, and got the room primed. My mom and I ran to the fabric store to find material to embellish the valance we were making out of a crib skirt. Originally I wanted to use the curtains that come with the set, but they're too short and it seemed a hassle to make them longer. So we took a crib skirt and cut off the ruffle, added a pocket at the top for the curtain rod, and trimmed with ribbon we found that was the EXACT color of the walls. They turned out great! (And by "we" I mean "she" - mom did all the work, even trimming the skirt so that the dotted pattern lined up just right.) I'll post pics once it's done and up.

As for me, I started my crib-pimping projects. I got one side halfway done. It goes fast, it's easy, but it takes the glue a while to dry. I'm going to get the other side glued up, mark the holes for drilling, and then let DH stain it. Or I'll get a mask and do it outside, depending on how despearate I am to get it done.

I also had a flurry of nesting anxiety and decided that every appliance in my kitchen HAD to be scrubbed, inside and out. It was quite a site, seeing me sitting on the floor with a scrubby brush, scouring the front of my range.

This is my last week of work. I work today and Wednesday, and have dr's appts on Tues and Fri. I'm hoping that having time off work will mean I have time to get stuff done. DH is finishing the painting in the evenings this week. I'm finishing the crib. Then we can put it all together and have a nursery.

sex and the city

I expected the movie to be fun. Not great, a longer version of a typical episode, fun and entertaining.

I did NOT expect to go from full out belly laughs to crying like a baby over the storyline.

This movie was good - really good. They brought in all the familiar elements, some new twists, and brought it current without any real awkwardness. They even addressed Charlotte's infertility issues again. With class. Again.

********SPOILER ALERT********

I always liked the way they handled that storyline. She hurt, and there was no good reason for it. She tried everything, and went through all her options. One marriage crumbled and another blossomed, and she and her new husband decided to adopt a little girl from China. In the movie, she is a happy mother of three-year-old Lily.

Then, three years after adopting, against any odds, she becomes pregnant. She is fearful of this pregnancy, stops running because she doesn't want to hurt the baby, and just waits for the other shoe to drop. Everyone around her is having problems - relationships falling apart, life not going as planned - and she just can't believe that she actually gets to have everything she ever wanted. Why does she get to be happy? Surely something awful is going to happen to her.

A lot of women don't get to have the happy ending. She had already accepted that her own happy ending was going to look different than she had originally planned. She was a mother, a wife, content to be what she always wanted to be. Now she faced the reality of a dream she'd set aside, and the terror of having it taken from her yet again.

I don't know the details of how this storyline came to be a part of this series. I'm guessing someone on the creative staff went through infertility, because it was written with the grit of someone who knows from the inside what it's like. From her miscarriage to the shots in the ass to the hurt relationship to the final unbelievable joy and terror coexisting until that baby is in her arms, the story portrays the journey so well. Better than most attempts I've seen at this topic, even though still show-bizzed up.

For example, she tells Carrie that she'd always heard that once you stop trying it can happen, that a lot of people adopt and then get pregnant. I do wish this idea hadn't been reinforced - a lot of women adopt and still never get pregnant. A lot of people give up and live child-free. Relaxing, adopting, these are not cures for IF. Yes, sometimes it happens, but when you're in the midst of IF these are not helpful things to hear. Especially from people who haven't been through it, and think that these are answers. But I digress.

I wish there were more good examples out there. More stories to let women know, Hey, this is real. You are not alone, you're not a freak, this is really out there. More stories to let the public know, This is painful. This is not trivial, this is not just an unfortunate disappointment to get over. It's not something to joke about, or take lightly, or brush aside as insignificant.

Anyway, I highly recommend the movie. For many reasons, not just this one. It really was much better than I expected, and I went in expecting to enjoy it.

hotel review

The rooms are pretty nice, seem to be recently remodelled. Typical clashing hotel rugs/bedspread, but clean and new looking. Fresh paint on the walls, granite countertops in the bathroom, new tile and crown molding. The staff is friendly (though sluggish, see below). The bed is pretty comfy, though it's high and difficult for me to get in and out of. But that's more about me than anything else.

When we got to our room I noticed that the smoke detector was, well, absent. We asked them to have it fixed on our way out to dinner. When we came back two hours later, it was still not there. So we asked again. An hour later, still nothing. And we couldn't seem to call the front desk from our room. So I trudged down there and told them that we'd now asked three times, it was late and I wanted to go to bed, how soon could someone come to fix this? The very nice lady got a hold of the maintenance man while I stood there and sent him on his way. She also fixed the switchboard so that we could reach the desk from our room.

The maintenance guy was hilarious. First of all, he showed up within about five minutes, obviously stoned out of his mind. He looked like Towely from South Park. He hooked up the detector and left, but it started chirping immediately so I caught him in the hallway to come back, it needed a new battery. As I'm telling him this, a cat poked his head over the top of the roof and meowed at me. The guy told me he'd hurry back, he had to take care of something. Apparently it was his cat, on the roof, and he had to get it back inside. Laughing, I came back to the room to tell DH "He'll be back with a 9volt as soon as he gets his cat off the roof." Gotta love it - a stoned maintenance man coaxing a kitty off the roof of a three story motel while a guest bitches at him for a new battery for her smoke alarm.

I was bound and determined to sit in the pool today. Even when I discovered it wasn't heated. It was clean at least, and the feeling of floating was indeed as good as I hoped it would be. But chilly, so I only lasted about a half hour. I need to find a heated pool to float in at some point in these next few weeks.

Our floors are done, we can go home tomorrow. Our kitties are okay, and we get them back tomorrow, all vaccinated and examed and microchipped. We're painting the nursery this weekend, and I can't wait to get that going at long last. Gymboree was having a sale, and I had a coupon for an additional 20% off. I was released from my nutritionist this morning - my blood sugar levels are so good she doesn't need to see me again. My OB is thrilled with that, my BP, and my NST results. I'm rested, clean, and I just had a snack. Overall, there's not much I can complain about at the moment.

busy weekend part deux

The weekend really started yesterday. Sure, it was Wednesday, and yes I had to work yesterday and today. But as far as the weekend work load goes, it started yesterday.

We are currently having our floors refinished. The room is looking good - fresh, clean, smelling more like wood and less like cat. Tomorrow is the third coat of poly, and we can get back in on Saturday.

I'd mind the interruption a bit more if I didn't have a hotel and a pool to look forward to. I'm at that point (35-1/2 weeks) where floating weightless sounds an awful lot like heaven to me.

So then, Saturday we get back in to the house. We clean and prep the room for painting, pick up the supplies to pimp out the crib, make the house ready to get some serious work done. Dear ol' Dad requested - insisted, actually- that we spend Father's Day working on the nursery. So the whole clan is coming over. Dad and DH will paint the nursery, Mom will help with the crib and window valances, and I have no idea what Sis will do as she's in a full leg brace and can't hardly even walk. I'd put her on folding baby clothes, but I already did that in a fit of nesting.

My *hope* is to have the nursery done by the end of the weekend. My *expectation* is to have it done in the next week or two. Once we get that done, the rest of the house put together, and everything somewhat clean and tidy, I want to hire someone to come in and do a deep cleaning.

Next week is my last week of work. !!! Words can not express how happy I am about this. There's a lot of uncertainty about when/if I will return, my bosses are being odd about it all, but I'm ready to be done and put it all behind me and not think about it for a good long while. I plan on taking ALL the leave I can get, four weeks before and 12 weeks after the birth.

Anyway, that's the plan. It's a big push to get everything done before the Big Push. I'm a bit anxious about getting it all done, but I think it's feasible.

babies rock!

Like Nirvana, but afraid that it might not be baby-appropriate? How 'bout Tool? Not so much? Think you could get away with Green Day? Too much for your wee one?

Well then have I found the product for you!

Check this out!

You can get them on iTunes, too. I am all over that Coldplay album.

this happens too often

I am trying hard not to be angry. I'm mostly succeeding, as Sad is taking over.

My cousin who TTC for over six years before conceiving about three months ago - she found out today that her baby has stopped growing, and there is no heartbeat. She should be 12.5 weeks along, the baby is measuring 9 weeks.

She called me in tears, but I didn't answer the phone because I was at work. When I tried to call her back, it took me about half an hour to get a hold of her. Fortunately, she got a hold of her mom and was talking to her.

She was at the appointment alone, her husband had to work. She didn't want me to come meet her, she didn't want to put me out. She also didn't want to tell the family right now, because we have a big wedding coming up on Saturday and she didn't want to bum anyone out. Her words.

I talked her into letting me call my parents, so my dad could call our aunt, who would spread the news. This way, she doesn't have to deal with people thinking she's still pregnant on Saturday, and she doesn't have to drop the bomb on the rest of the family while they're trying to celebrate. I know that no one in the family would have a problem with it, but it made her feel better to let Saturday be about our cousin who's getting married, and not about her loss. I'm more concerned with her getting through the day, assuming she makes it to the wedding at all.

They scheduled a DNC for next Thursday. I find it horrendous that they can't get her in sooner than a week. And my heart just breaks for her and her husband. Six years. She was almost through her first trimester, even though the baby didn't make it much past eight weeks. She still has morning sickness, still feels pregnant.

I wish there was something I could do to help ease her pain. All I can do is be there for her, and let her grieve.

Damn it.

I came home and curled up in bed to listen to my baby's heartbeat on my useless monitor, which has never worked, but today it did. I curled up with a stuffed elephant I bought our baby a couple of days ago, and thanked God that he is still safe, I can feel him moving and squirming around. I feel guilty for being able to enjoy this, that tomorrow I get to go sit in a lounge chair and listen to his heart beat for an hour while the doctor monitors me. I get to see him on the ultrasound as the doctor checks him out. I get to do this twice a week until he's born, and then I get to hold him in my arms and cuddle him close. I have never taken a second of my pregnancy for granted. And today I am reminded yet again just how blessed I am.

But damn it. Why not her, too? I'm not any more deserving than she is. She didn't do anything wrong. She loved that baby from the moment she saw that second line on the pregnancy test. And now she has to start all over again.

Damn damn damn.

tired and grumpy

Not a good morning. DH snored all night long. Loudly, like he had something to prove. Earplugs proved useless, and they hurt my ears besides, so I am beyond tired today. This morning I tried everything to get him to roll over, blow his nose, do SOMETHING to give me just a few more minutes of sleep. Finally I gave up and got out of bed - I hadn't left the hallway when he stopped. He didn't start again.

I was pissed, and very passive aggressive. I slammed doors, I let my alarm go off for a while before turning it off, I didn't close the bathroom door while I was getting ready. When it was time to leave, I just said "'Kay, bye." I usually go wake him up, give him a kiss, tell him I love him. Today I was just pissed. "Call your doctor. You snored all night." He mumbled something, didn't really respond, which just pissed me off more.

I know it's not his fault, he has no control over it. I snore too, have all my life, and I can't control it. I feel bad when I keep people awake. I don't go on camping trips or retreats because of it. But when I'm not getting any sleep, and what little I can grab is interrupted every hour or two so I can pee, then it just becomes torturous.

I don't know what we're going to do. I want him in bed with me. I want his help when the baby comes, I don't want him in another room. I can't wear ear plugs with a baby, or I won't hear him cry. Someone suggested letting DH sleep in another room with a baby monitor so he can hear if I call him. It's the best suggestion I've had so far, but I still don't like it.

He'd better stay safe today. I was bitchy to him, and slammed the door as I left the house. I hate leaving like that, I worry "What if something happens and that's the last interaction I have with him?"

I'm still tired and grumpy. It's going to be a long day.

coming home

I am spending way too much time and energy worrying about a Coming Home outfit. Yes, I'm a scrapbooker and want something "picture pretty" for the occasion. But truth be told, he's going to be adorable in whatever he wears, and it will be all good no matter what I pick. Still, I'm obsessing.

I think it's because it gives me something that I feel like I can control. Everything else seems so far out of control. Also, I have so much to do it's overwhelming. This is one little thing I can focus on.

I need to stop. I need to clean and get the nursery ready. What's more important - that he look cute in the perfect outfit, or has a room when he comes home?