HSG pics

I had a followup u/s this morning, to see if I've ovulated yet. I haven't. Which I figured - it's usually not 'til CD16 for me anyway. I go back in Monday for another check. I'm not sure what he'll find - I'm guessing I'll not have O'd and I'll end up with that "residual follicle" like the doc found last time.

This doc also went over my HSG results with me, showing me pictures. I had to go the hospital yesterday to pick up the films, which they gave me on CD, so I snagged a copy of it for myself before giving it to the doc. Here are some of the shots, edited a little for privacy and decency. Some of them just looked downright obscene! ;-)



This was the first slide from the HSG. The bright white areas are where the dye has gone. The triangle shape in the middle is the uterus, and the feathery white shapes to either side would be the dye moving through the tubes.





Another shot of the uterus, and the dye progressing through the tubes.




The uterus tends to cramp up at first when the dye is introduced, not allowing it to flow through the tubes. The lab tech pushed more dye through, and here you can it spilling over.




Here is a side view of the uterus.




In this enlarged side view, you can see the darkened area in the uterus, which indicates a polyp. The doctor measured it at 12mm x 9mm.

I find it fascinating to look at these, I'm not sure why.

The doctor today said to come back on Monday for a third u/s, to see if I've ovulated yet. He says, if I have, then we'll just schedule a polyp removal and they'll kick me out of the office, expecting me to be pregnant in 3-4 months.

But at my first u/s with this clinic, the first doctor said that he saw a follicle that grew but never ruptured. So I'm not really excited about what I heard today. I'm thinking I'll need some more help.

But it's close. It's so close, I can almost smell that newborn baby head now.

letter to my former doctor

To The Office of Dr. C:

I am writing to let you know that, after much research and consideration, I have decided to move on to a new doctor. This was not the case when I first requested my charts from you – I fully intended to continue my care with you. However, I have found out a few things that have convinced me to seek medical help elsewhere.

Two of my concerns with Dr. C’s plan of treatment for me were whether or not Clomid was the right choice for me, and whether or not I needed further testing. Dr. C informed me that Clomid was the only medication that I should really take, and that since we know I have PCOS neither an HSG nor further testing was needed – we already knew what my conception problem was.

At the urging of my family doctor, I recently visited an RE. He decided to order an HSG for me – a test that Dr. C told me I “didn’t need.” He also did an ultrasound, which showed him that I am growing follicles with no problem, but am not releasing the egg. He believes that there is a hormone issue that is causing me not to complete ovulation, and has scheduled further ultrasounds to confirm this. But it looks as though, since I can grow the follicles without medical help, Clomid was not the best choice for my case.

The HSG revealed that my tubes were, indeed, blocked. The doctor was able to clear them out by pushing the dye through, but nothing was getting through without that push. Dr. C’s plan to do several IUIs and then move on to IVF would not have worked for us – the IUIs would NEVER have worked, since I’m not ovulating on my own without a trigger shot. And we are still quite a ways away from having to consider IVF. I believe that further testing and monitoring – as I requested – would have shown Dr. C that this was the case.

I am writing, not in anger, but because the sense I always got from your office, your staff, and the environment there, has always been that you genuinely care about your patients. I strongly believe that Dr. C was doing what she thought was best for me, and I appreciate that. I am writing, though, to let you know that there were other, better treatment options for me. And I hope that you will take that into consideration with the patients you are currently treating and will treat in the future. I believe that you had my best interests at heart, and I thank you for that. I know that you were actively working with me to get me pregnant, and that is very important to me. However, I now know that my concerns were valid, but because they were dismissed our journey to becoming parents has become longer than it needed to have been. And because of that, I am going to choose to stay with the doctor who listened and did the testing that I needed.

Thank you all for your help and care while I was your patient. Your staff is amazing, and Dr. Cwas always a very pleasant and comforting doctor. Each of you helped to get me started on this journey, and I wish you all the best.

Thank you all.

migraines and HSG

I finally broke down and took a leftover med that I'm not supposed to take anymore. Allegedly, the long-term effects can be scary. However, it's the only thing that works on my migraines, and I've had a migraine for over two weeks, so I took one. And you know what? The headache is gone. Imagine that.

Tomorrow is my HSG. I'm a bit nervous. I've heard it's "only slightly worse" than an IUI. But I had a horrible IUI. I also had a horrible doctor, so maybe that was the problem. DH is coming with me to hold my hand. I have my own hospital gown, which just makes these sorts of things that much better. And I'm loading up on painkillers before I go, per my doctor's orders. I've taken the entire day off work, even though the test isn't until 2 and I don't have to be at the hospital until 1.

I spent all day today fighting with the computer at work, trying to back up the files we'll need when we toss this machine while still trying to actually get the work done that I needed to get done. Ironically, they've finally given me a client - just when I'm looking for a new job and have one foot out the door.

Okay, the headache isn't *completely* gone. It's still dancing on the fringe. Maybe I'll have some milk and cookies and then go to bed.

whine

I wasn't going to, but I think I need a good whine.

I have a headache. I went on the Roger Rabbit ride at D-land a couple of weeks ago, and the strobe light set off a migraine that hasn't completely disappated yet. I hate having headaches, they just feel so crippling to me. I can't do anything right when my head hurts! Talking is an effort, keeping my eyes open is hard, relating to people and paying attention to what they're saying is next to impossible. I've already taken all the Imitrex I'm supposed to, and I might cave and take a Fiornal, which I'm NOT supposed to, but it works and I have some left over and my head hurts!!!

On top of that, I dropped a glass spice bottle of chili powder on my big toe, and it's all bruisey and sore.

My hair won't do what I want it to do. It started getting curly this year, when I cut most of it off. Which was great - until I had it cut for the curls and then realized that it was the Clomid that was making it curly, and I'm not taking it anymore, so now I just look shaggy. I don't have another hair appt until next month, and really there's nothing that can be done to it right now because of how it's cut.

I made the mistake of going shopping when I had the munchies, so the only food I have in the house is chips and dip and popcorn and cookies. And I'm hungry, but I kind of feel like I should want something healthy, but I'll probably cave and have the chips and dip. I haven't gotten back on my South Beach Diet, even though I've been saying I'm going to since Christmas, and when I'm actually on it I feel better and actually enjoy it. It's the getting started part that's hard for me.

I hate my job. I work with an idiot, and two bosses who won't get rid of him even though he's toxic. And they give me every reason to feel like it's my fault things are hard there right now, that I'm the one who's the bad guy, even though I'm not the one doing anything wrong. I'm just the kid shouting "Hey, the Emperor ain't got no clothes on!" And they want to be mad at me, instead of the stupid naked guy who fleeced everyone.

I think I need to start going back to Church. Church people tend to piss me off, though. And I hate looking for a new place, and I don't want to give up my Sunday mornings. Because I REALLY love to sleep in. But I'm actually starting to miss it, and I think it might be good for me and DH to find a place we both like.

Oh, and I want a baby so much it huts. My arms ache to hold my child. My heart yearns to have an object for all of this love that's already spilling over.

I wonder if it's time to move up north. DH wants to live there, I'm looking for a new job, he'll probably want to find a new job once he graduates... Maybe it's time to make the break?

Oh, and my damn head won't stop hurting.

my biggest fear

Have you ever read the book 1984? You know, Big Brother and all of that?
I've read it several times. It fits into my liking of conspiracy theories and my enjoyment of science fiction stories.

Towards the end, after they catch the two lovebirds, they separate them and then subject them to their biggest fears, as a way to break them. And ever since I read that book, I've been afraid to voice what my biggest fears are, for fear of them being used against me some day.

Like I said, I'm big on conspiracy theories.

I have a new Biggest Fear. And instead of stuffing it down and keeping it hidden, so that Big Brother can't ever use it against me, I'm going to spill it and get it out in the open. Hopefully if I get it out, it won't hold any power over me.

My Biggest Fear these days is miscarriage. I have been TTC for 2 years, and I am almost desperately afraid that I will be able to acheive pregnancy, only to lose the baby. Every time I read a post on a message board about a woman who's just gone through this, my heart breaks for her and I get a sense of panic in my own chest.

The real pisser is this - it's a valid fear! It is a very real possiblity for me, as opposed to some government agency finding out my darkest fear and using it against me. That's just silly. But this fear, I can't call it silly and just excuse it.

I have high blood pressure, I'm overweight, I have a history of IF on both sides of my family, and I have PCOS. Did you know that a woman with PCOS has a 25% chance of miscarriage? The average for a "normal" healthy woman is 10%. (I read that somewhere, and as we all know if you read it somewhere it must be true.) I am taking Metformin, a diabetic drug that's used in PCOS patients to treat the insulin issues, and as long as I stay on that throughout the first trimester, my chances of m/c go back down to the "normal" 10%.

I still don't like those odds.

I don't buy into the phrases and so-called comforts that people tend to offer up to a woman who's lost her unborn child. "At least you can get pregnant" - well, that's great, but what good is that if I can't STAY pregnant? "God must have loved your baby so much He wanted her in heaven." So God is just so selfish and jealous that He'll give me a baby, only to snatch it away from me before I even get a chance to hold it? I don't think so. "It must not have been right. Something must have just not been right" No shit. But that's small consolation. I can only make babies that "aren't right?"

Now, I'm spouting off about something I've had no experience with. And I mean no offense to women who have found comfort in these types of phrases. But I will never say them to someone, and heaven help the person who ever says them to me. Because miscarriage sucks, and it's painful, and I consider it to be the loss of a child, not just the loss of a potential child. And what do you say to a parent who has just lost a child?

There's not much to say. And I'd rather hear that silence - at least it's honest.

And, mostly, I hope that I never have to experience this issue from the other side. That is my biggest fear.

Starting Again

I guess it's fitting that Easter, a time of rebirth and renewal, brought with it the first day of a new cycle.

I don't know that I'm ready to jump back in to the world of charting and temping and counting and peeing on sticks and "baby dancing" and all of that just yet. This break has been nice, better for me than I could have imagined. Usually the arrival of AF would have me in a puddle of tears, curled up in the fetal position and rocking. This time, I said "Huh" and moved on.

This will be a Month of Discovery for us. Next Tuesday I'm having my HSG - for those who aren't in the know, this is where they'll inject my tubes full of dye to see if there is any blockage. I've heard it's more painful than an IUI, and I had a *horrible* IUI, so I'm not looking forward to it. But DH can come with me, so that will be comforting. Then, two days later, I have an u/s to see if the follicles are doing what they're supposed to be doing. The doc seems to think that I can grow follicles just fine - I just don't know how to release them. They'll also do a post-coital test, either that same day if it looks like I'm ovulating, or a few days later. I'm anticipating a few days later.

DH was so cute about the post-coital. He looked at me with this look of dread on his face, and said, "What do I need to do for THAT?!" I told him, "Just make love to your wife, honey. That's all you have to do."

How insanely unfair is it that the guys get to have all the fun in all of this? He gets to have sex-on-demand. The worst he has to face is me taking away his briefs and occasionally having to get happy with a plastic cup. Me, I get to be poked and prodded and examined. I get to be half-naked, spread-eagled on a table, feet up in stirrups, in a room full of people while the doctor violates me with what I fondly refer to as The Magic Wand. I get to have my uterus clamped so they can insert a catheter up near my tubes. I get to have dye shot through my abdomen. And, if I'm lucky and the doctor is right and my ONLY problem is not releasing the follicles? I get to take a shot in the stomache, either given by myself or DH.

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.

Anyway, it's a new cycle, and a cycle of discovery for us. Hopefully this month will bring us some answers, and a plan.