Cycle 18 Ends

BFN. AF due tomorrow. I'm guessing I'll start spotting tomorrow, putting CD1 on Jan 1.

I hate this.

why do I do this to myself?

I don't want to get too excited. I really don't - I know better, and how many sagas have I read about this exact same thing on the message boards? I'm not even telling DH yet.

But.

I POAS yesterday. Yes, it was only CD8, very early, but as I've mentioned before, I'm addicted to POAS. I have to pee on something at least once a day, what with all the fertility monitor sticks and the OPKs and all. I'm done with the OPKs this cycle, so it was on to HPTS, which is way early, but still. I get them 10 for $9.50 online, so I can afford to pee on them all the time if I want to.

Anyway, I used a cheapy internet HPT yesterday. It's one of those ones that you dip in a cup you've peed in. I left it on the window sill, and went to do something else.

When I got back a few hours later, there was a very faint second line. Faint, but definitely there.

I immediately did another one, and it did the same thing. I timed it this time, and it took 13 minutes. The instructions say not to read a negative after 10 minutes, so I'm not sure what that means.

I know better. I'm only 9DPO. But all the other sticks this cycle, from the same website, have NEVER shown a second line, no matter how long they sat.

I tried a First Response with this morning's first urine. Nothing. But another internet HPT in the same cup did the same thing as last night's, only a little darker. Still at about 13 minutes.

I haven't told DH. I hate keeping it a secret, but I don't want to take him on this roller coaster ride I've created for myself. And there are TONS of stories on the message boards about women getting a faint line after the time limit, and it turning out to be nothing. So why am I doing this to myself?

I already know I'll do another one tomorrow morning. And Friday. I'm hoping for a line within the time limit - that would be nice. AF should arrive on New Year's Eve, if she's coming, and if not then that would be a good time to tell DH. He proposed to me four minutes after midnight, New Years Eve, four years ago. It would be cool to tell him that he's going to be a daddy at the same moment.

Christmas Prayer

I'm really just not feeling the holiday spirit this year. I'm still waiting to test, and I'm afraid I'll be getting a BFN for the New Year. Which makes me sad - I O'd this month, and we timed BD well, and I really hope it works for us this time. But I fear it may not have.

On top of everything else, I'm addicted to POAS. I'm only 6DPO, and I POAS yesterday, knowing full well that there was no way I'd get a BFP even if I am pg. I told one friend that I just don't know what to do with myself when I don't have to POAS, and since I'm done with the OPKs this month and the monitor is just giving me High all the time, I didn't POAS yesterday at all and I felt lost. So I broke out one of my 20 HPTs and lo and behold, a BFN. Shocker, right?

I've been dizzy and sick to my stomache since Tuesday, and I'm ravenously hungry. In my mind I can't help but think "Hey, my mom says she had morning sickness from the first week through the day she delivered - maybe that's what this is!" But I also know that CD5 is just too damn early to tell. I know this. I know better. I'm going to be crushed as it is if I get a BFN, why do I need to make it worse on myself?

So tonight is Christmas Eve. I originally was supposed to test tomorrow, but since AF was late and I O'd later than originally estimated, I'm now testing on New Year's Eve.

Which, if I get a BFP, could be very poetic. DH proposed to me four minutes past midnight on New Year's Eve four years ago, so I could tell him that he's going to be a daddy at the same time this year. It would be very cool if it works out that way.

So now I wait, and I wait and I wait, and then I wait some more. I'll still probably go through several HPTs this week, even though it's still too damn soon to get a positive. I bought 20 of them online for 95¢ each, so I can certainly afford to test to my heart's content. It's just so depressing every time I get a negative, even when I know that I should expect it. In the back of my mind is a little voice that says "Some women know early. Some woment get positive tests early. Maybe you're special, and will know sooner than they say you can know." Egotistical and silly? Yes. I know. I do. But it's still there.

Dear God. Please oh please oh please let there be a little one growing inside of me. Please let me be a mommy. Please give me a baby. I've been patient, I've waited, I'm doing all I can to make this happen. I need your help, and I'm asking. Begging. Imploring with all of my heart - please make me a mommy this year! Amen.

O'ing and waiting

I think I ovulated! I actually think I ovulated!

I never got a "peak" on my monitor - it's been on "high" for over a week now - but I got a solid + on my OPK. Which I didn't get last month, so yay!

DH is sick, home yesterday and today. But he's a trooper, and manned up when he had to. I gave him a night off, poor guy is so sick he tried to tell me he could do it, but had to stop talking to cough up a lung. But we got some good timed BD in, and I ovulated (O), and that puts me in a good mood.

If I don't O, there's no hope of conceiving. If I O, there's at least a chance.

Now we wait.

Ovulation Anxiety

I have Ovulation Anxiety. As in, I'm anxious I won't.

Can worrying about something not happening cause it to not happen?

venting about God's plan for me

Someone I work with told me the other day that God has a plan for me as far as having kids goes, and that everything works out for the best.

Where does that come from? Why is that supposed to be comforting? God has a plan for all the women out there who want to be mommies, but they don't all get to have kids of their own. God had a plan for Jesus, and He ended up nailed to a cross. Just because God has a plan for me doesn't mean I'm going to like it.

And not everything always works out for the best for everyone, all the time. Is it for the best when a parent has to bury a child? Is it for the best when war breaks out? Is it for the best when my roof leaks and ruins my carpet?

Yes, I believe in God. And maybe I'm being a bit irreverant. That's not really my intention here. It's more a reaction towards someone who thinks that telling me that God has a plan will help me out. It is entirely possible that my husband and I will never have a biological offspring together. I hope and I pray that it isn't the case, but it's happened to others and it's not impossible that it could happen to us.

why right now?

It's 4 o'clock. My coworker just stepped out to a jobsite, and my bosses are out of the office today. I'm here by myself, sitting at my desk. And crying.

Damn hormones. Why am I crying? I mean, I know there's a lot going on and I have every reason to cry. But why right now? Why this second?

Ugh. I can't concentrate on anything for more than about five minutes. I can barely type. I'm antsy and jittery, like I've just had a gallon of coffee. And I haven't had any caffeine at all for three days.

This sucks.

Clomid

The first time I took Clomid, on CD3 of my last cycle, I sat on the bed and stared at the pill for about five minutes before putting it in my mouth. I had mixed feelings about it - afraid of the side effects, eager to do something to help us conceive, anger that it had come to this. I wanted so badly to conceive naturally. It "should" be the most natural thing in the world, right? If I took that pill, it would be an irrevocable step towards admiting to myself that we needed help. I put it in my mouth and drank half a glass of water to wash it down.

This cycle, I'm taking Clomid again. I have no mixed feelings about it. I want to take it, and I want it to work. I want a baby so badly my heart hurts with it.

I find that I have a hard time remembering things anymore. Just in the last two or three weeks. About the same time, I started having mood swings, crying jags, cramping, and I keep dropping things. I think it's all a result of the Clomid - side effects of the drug, as my hormones flex to new levels. I was prepared for the crying and moodiness. But my mouth doesn't seem to work right anymore. If I talk too fast - which is my norm - the words get all mooshed together. The other day I kept dropping things, even as I was complaining about dropping things. I'd make an effort to hold on to something, and it would slip right out of my fingers. It's a very strange feeling.

So today is CD3 of C18. I start Clomid tonight, and take it through CD7. our plan is to do this for two cycles, then switch to CD5-9 for two cycles. We haven't planned beyond that at this point. I don't want to think beyond that. I don't want to think about March and no child growing inside of me.

It's a delicate balance, walking the line between hope and reality. I need to stay positive, believe that this is going to happen for me. At the same time, I need to plan for if it doesn't happen when we want it to. I have to believe that this is our cycle, that this is going to work. But I can't set myself up too high, or the fall will break my heart. Again.

I always knew that being a mother would be full of love and joy and heartbreak. I never knew that the road to motherhood would be full of the same.

CBEFM and PCOS

My best friend gave me her CBEFM today. I'm very excited to have saved that money, especially as I'm not sure it will work for me. I am taking Clomid and Metformin this cycle, and from what I've read the Clomid can affect the readings. So I'll try it out, and I'm not out anything but the test strips. Which were pricey in and of themselves, but much less than the strips and the monitor.

AF is here. Finally. Though I don't love it - when did I start cramping like this? I used to think that girls who complained of cramps were exaggerating. Now, I feel almost crippled by the pain sometimes. I need drugs, hot tea, and a heating pad to get through a bad day. There's a company that makes those temporary heating pads that stick to your body, like for a pulled shoulder or back. They make them for cramps, too - they heat up and stay warm for about 8 hours, and you just stick them in the front of your underpants on the side that's hurting. I need to get me a few more of those. Maybe I'll make it through work tomorrow.

My friend also gave me four different books on PCOS. I'm not much of a non-fiction reader. Give me an 800-page fantasy, and I'll rip through it in a day or two. But a 100-page non-fiction book will take me weeks. I'm very interested in what I didn't know about PCOS, though, so I'm thinking I'll get through these fairly quickly. I'm already making connections to things I never thought would be tied to my infertility - overweight, facial hair, depression, acne... All the lovely things I've tried to treat separately are actually all linked together. My migraines fit in, as does my high blood pressure.

It's amazing, really, how interconnected our bodies are. Who would have ever guessed that my high blood pressure would be a symptom of the PCOS that is causing fertility issues? That the fact that I need to wax my chin, and have adult acne, is part of the same syndrome that contributes to my headaches, depression, and anxiety? It's crazy.

I'm switching docs next month. I found one I'm familiar with, who takes a more holistic approach to medicine. As she's been through fertility issues herself, I'm hoping I can go to here with my prescription bottles and say "help me fix this." I know she's the right one to work with me and my gyn to get us pregnant.

Someone on the message boards I frequent just announced she's pregnant. I'm so totally excited for her - she's been trying for 23 months. And yet, I can't help but feel jealous. Do I have to wait 23 months myself? Will I be one of the women who's been on the boards for five years? I cry a lot more lately, since I started the Clomid last cycle. I cried while I typed her a congratulations message. I mean the congratulations with all of my heart. And I'm sure she'd understand the tears. And, it hurts less to hear it from someone who's been trying for as long and longer as I have, than from a "newbie" who just popped in last month to say she was going to start trying, and then announced a BFP right away.

I have to remember that a baby is neither a punishment nor a reward. We don't get pregnant on the merit system. This journey has taught me and my husband just how much we want a child of our own. We entered TTC with a little bit of trepidation - now our will is solidified. We will be parents, whatever it takes. Hopefully we will be parents to a little version of us, born of us. But if that's not in the cards for us, and we've exhausted every other option, we will adopt, and love another's child as deeply as if he or she were born of us. We are resolved, we are determined, and we will be parents one day, however that looks.

PCOS and a Plan

Today was my 2nd appt with my ob/gyn. DH came with me for the first time, and came away with a much deeper understanding of what I've been going through. I needed my daily planner calendar to answer all her questions: When did I start my last period? What is my current CD? When did I feel what I thought was O pain? How often do I use OPKs, and what time of the day? When was the last time I took Imitrex for my migraines? She wanted concrete dates, as well as cycle days. I could give them to her. But I needed my calendar. DH's mind was boggled at all the terminology and figures flying around the room.

We got the results of my bloodwork today. The good news was that my hormone levels were in a good zone, and my thyroid is fine. The bad news was my sugar levels. They are supposed to be under 100. Mine were at 114. Between that and my u/s earlier this cycle, she said we're dealing with PCOS here. I had a hunch even before we started, just because of my family history. My sister has endometriosis, my cousin is currently in the hosp getting a fibroid removed, and my other cousin had thyroid problems. I figured mine would be PCOS. Thanks, great-gramma.

So. Clomid again, 100mg daily from CD3-CD7 for two months. Then switch to CD5-CD9, to see if that works better. Also 500mg Metformin daily, to handle the blood sugar issues.

I am not pleased to find that the risk of m/c is higher with PCOS. Apparently Met helps with that. I am also not pleased to know that my previous gyns didn't do anything about any of this. I think they should have figured this out when I went in with painful cysts about five years ago. They just put me on BCP and sent me on my way. I questioned the BCP, I proclaimed loudly my family history of IF, and this was how I was treated.

I love my current gyn. I was most pleased to learn this morning that I can keep her under my new insurance plan, and still sign up with the doc I want. That was a HUGE relief!

So that's where I am now. DH has the paperwork to go in for an SA. I told him he could wait until his school term was over - he's so stressed out about his final project, I doubt that going in for an SA would be helpful to him or me at this point. In two weeks, he'll be more relaxed. It may not make a physical difference, but it will definitely make a psychological difference. And the doc said there was no rush, as long as it's done soon.

And last of all, once our insurance is settled, I need to go see my new doc with all the bottles of my meds and come up with a plan to eliminate some of them. The list is too long, and some of them are not condusive to TTC. I'll have to stop them once I'm pg anyway, so we need a plan now.

So that's the scoop. I'm glad to know what's going on, sad that this is what it is, relieved it's not something worse, pissed no one figured this out before, and appreciative that my doc has a four-month plan already figured out.

One day at a time, that's all any of us can be expected to handle. Get through the holidays, hope for a Christmas Bonus but be prepared not to get one, and start anew with the new year.