angry vs. kicky

I would rather be pissed off than sad. Sad makes me feel like a victim, and feeling like a scared little girl just makes that victim feeling even stronger. I hate feeling like that. Hell, I didn't feel like a scared little girl even when I was a little girl. I don't want to feel that way at 33.

Today I have regained some of my kickass. I'm angry about my IF, and I'm ready to do something about it. I don't know what, exactly, but something. Anything, so long as I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I had a consultation with an acupuncturist this evening – I don't know if we're going to be able to make it fly, but we'll talk about it and maybe give it a go. If it helps with the migraines and the IF, then I'm on board. But it's quite expensive, and they want me to go in a couple times a week for the first month or so. After that it seems more reasonable, but if I'm going to do it I want to do it right, not half-assed.

I think we're going to start a yoga class together, too. DH has done yoga before, but I'm a newbie, so it would be nice to have some moral support. Besides, the exercise will be good for both of us. I think I'll be more likely to go if it's a "date," too.

I'm on a quest for an earlier bed time, as well. I need more rest than I'm getting, but DH likes to stay up 'til about midnight. Which is fine for him, he doesn't have to be at work at any particular time. Me, I get hell if I'm even a minute late. I've been sneaking it up earlier and earlier, but I think I went too fast tonight. "What?! It's only 10!" Well, yeah, that was my goal. I'll have to ease back into it. Or start going to bed before him.

sadness to anger

I am so so sad today, and it's pissing me off.

We decided not to go to WA. DH decided, because I didn't want to be the one to make the decision, so he decided it wasn't worth the stress, and that pisses me off too. Not him, he made the right decision, and I really didn't want to go.

But I want to want to go. I hate that I'm going to miss out on seeing my new niece, and my little nephew. My BIL and SIL, who I adore. I hate that I am so hurt, that I can't even handle a weekend with these people.

Today at the RE's office for my CD3 checkup before starting injections again, I just sat there in my little paper napkin and cried. I asked the doctor if it was worth even trying this again, with the same protocol, since it is only giving us a 10% chance. She said not to give up yet, try it at least one more time.

But I felt so small, like a scared little girl. I'm 33 years old, and I'm sleeping with a teddy bear again.

I hate this. I hate this so much. Why does it have to be so damn hard? I fucking hate this.

At least now I'm pissed. I like that better than being sad.

extra super dragon strength

One of the things that a woman does in her quest for motherhood is to treat her body as if she is already pregnant. I have cut back on caffeine and alcohol, I'm not smoking, I'm (trying to) eat healthier… I also went to my doctor and we agreed to switch out all the different prescriptions I'm on for ones that are pregnancy safe. This is important because a lot of the damage that unsafe meds can cause to an unborn child can happen within the first ten days after conception, before I'd even know I was pregnant. So, some prescriptions were swapped for others, and some were cut clean out.

Unfortunately, one of the meds that was completely eliminated was the one that prevents me from getting migraines. Since my migraines are menstrual migraines, and most prominent at the turn of a cycle, I figured I could live with it for a day or two for the good of my future child. I'm looking into alternative treatments, such as acupuncture, acupressure massage, chiropractic care. I have several calls out already, and I'm most interested in a Wellness Center that is right near my work, and that advertises a holistic approach to total health.

However, one of the side effects of the progesterone I was taking is the delay of my period. I am here in a limbo land between "We're so sorry, your blood results came back negative" and "Oh crap, time to stock up on feminine products." Thing is, my head doesn't realize this could take a few days, and has kicked into migraine mode. For the past four days, I have alternated between migraine pain and waves of nausea, unable to take my preventative meds, and not supposed to take my treatment meds. And the migraine won't go away until AF comes, and that could still take 'til Sunday.

The doctor told me I could take Tylenol. Extra Strength, even. Which is about as effective a cure for migraines as "just relaxing" is a cure for infertility.

But I'm trying to "behave," do what I'm supposed to do, increase my chances of eventually being able to conceive. So Tylenol it is, combined so far with cold compresses, hot showers, subdued movements, and small snacks throughout the day to keep my stomach settled. I've found they make it in a variety of options – vanilla-flavored night-time Tylenol, flavor-burst daytime Extra Strength, capsules, caplets, gelcaps… None of it really works.

In a fit of desperation, I finally asked the pharmacist what I thought was a very stupid question. "Is there something stronger than Extra Strength Tylenol? Is there some sort of Extra Super Dragon Strength Tylenol?" I was willing to look stupid if there was a chance.

As it turns out, there is. I don't know what regular Tylenol contains, but I know that Extra Strength Tylenol contains 500mg of acetaminophen. However, Tylenol Arthritis Pain contains 650mg! Which means for each two-capsule dose, I'm getting an additional 300mg of the good stuff! And it's time-released, so the effects last longer.

So yes, there IS such a thing as Extra Super Dragon Strength, OTC Tylenol. And it's safe for me to take, and it finally takes the edge off. I'm so glad I asked!

dipping my toes in the scary pool

I sent away for information on adoption today. I didn't tell DH 'til hours later, as we were sitting at dinner. He just looked at me and said, very carefully, "Okay." I still don't know how I feel about this, just asking for information. I'm not nearly at a place to adopt yet. But then… Tonight I'm holding a Pooh Bear, when I could be holding a baby. True, Pooh will let me sleep more. But I'd trade all the sleep in the world to have a baby-head-smell that's all my own.

DH asked me what I wanted for dinner. "Steak and beer," I told him. We went to the Roadhouse, where there's always too much food. Their beer sucked, so I had their large "Koolaid" which is a kamikaze sort of alchoholic beverage. Didn't even touch me. I wanted to get respectably sloshed tonight. Not fall-down-drunk, but slightly more than buzzed. So much for that.

I so don't want to go to work tomorrow… I'm exhausted. But not as in bad a shape as I expected to be. Small comforts, I guess.

negative

It really sucks to have to sit around and wait for someone to call and tell you you're not pregnant. Couldn't I have just tested at home, had the results sooner, and cried in private?

At least I've only cried for half the day, instead of all day.

I spent a couple of hours rummaging through the garage, boxes we never bothered to unpack, closets and crannies. I feared I'd accidentally given away what I was looking for. I sent DH to the center of our garage – no easy task – because I thought I saw a bag I thought it was in. Finally, in a box in a closet in a room I don't go in I found him – my Pooh Bear. He's just the right size and shape to curl up around and cry. I have a smaller one, an Edward Bear (that's Pooh's name when he's wearing the red sweater), and he's rejoined me in bed this week. But today I needed my big Pooh bear. The one I held when the towers fell, the one I slept with every night for years, the one who's soaked up more tears than a sponge. I found him. Why does that make me feel stronger?

waiting

Today is my first beta ever. No HPT for me, no sir. They're doing it old-school, drawing blood and calling me with the results. Not only has baby-making become a team sport, so has the big reveal. I will not be the first to know. First the lab tech, then the doctor I imagine, then the nurse who calls me. Then me and DH, and the news spreads from there. BFF, E--, a post and some emails, family…

It's 9am and we just got back.  DH came with me (I didn't think he would) and he's working from home today (I asked him to).  My plan was to get up early, throw on some clothes, get there and back and hop back into bed.  It took us almost an hour to get there - the drive is usually 20 minutes.  So now it's 9 and I'm so nervous my stomach hurts, and there's no way I can sleep.

They said to call them after 2 if I haven't heard from them by then.  So much for a two hour wait.  I'm hoping they'll call early. A friend of mine said she always got the call around noon.

One of the nurses called me on my way there to ask if I was taking Follistim or Clomid next cycle.  I was a bit confused - I hadn't even had my blood drawn yet, and they were telling me it failed?!  I told her I was never under any circumstances ever taking Clomid again, and she hung up.  I was crushed.  They had so little faith in me and this cycle, they were already planning for the next one.  Couldn't they at least *pretend* until I got my test results back?

Then she called back, said she'd called me in error and meant to call someone else.  I told her I was on my way in, so it seemed strange, and she was very apologetic.

So of course when I got there I said hello to all the nurses, then wagged my finger at the one who'd called and said "Don't DO that to me!  No mistakes when you call me back later today!  And I want GOOD NEWS!" 

So that's about it.  The nurse taking my blood asked which vein she should use (they're tiny, so they always ask me how others have done it), and I told her "use the pregnant vein."  She didn't get it, said "Well, I need one with blood in it."  "Yes," I told her, "pregnant blood."  At least she smiled at that.  I use humor as a shield (I know, you're shocked, but it's true), so it's comforting when people around me are light hearted during a nerve-wracking situation.

And now I wait.  Anywhere from 2-5 hours. It is going to be a very long day.

DirecTV HR20-100 - WTF?

(My letter to the Powers That Be at DirecTV)

Dear DirecTV,

I would like to start by saying that we have been very happy customers of DirecTV for about five years or so. I love DirecTv itself, and the quality of service we've received has been excellent. However, regarding this new HR20-100 box - I am UNHAPPY.

We just "upgraded" to your new box, the one they said we needed in order to receive a signal once you upgrade your satellites. The one they told us was just so awesome. I hate it. The remote is not intuitive at all. The list of recorded programs isn't even in alphabetical order - I have to scroll through everything to find anything! The picture-in-picture that plays when I'm looking at the menu? Spoiled the ending of Heros, which it was recording but I hadn't watched yet. I can't just stop a recording and delete it - I have to go back to the menu and find it again and THEN delete it. It took me a week to find the "dash" button to delete a folder/episode quickly. And why are there three different back buttons? THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY BUTTONS!! And forget about deleting the channels that we don't receive - no, we have to scroll through ALL of them, whether we get them or not. And least of all my complaints, it is not comfortable to hold.

In short, I miss my TiVo, which was both intuitive and well designed, and which DirecTv told us we could no longer use. Instead, we are stuck with this POS that is clunky, difficult to use, and completely disorganized. You guys really need to get on the ball and make this worlds better, or go back to partnering with TiVo, who seems to have gotten it right.