haiku

There is a loud squeak
Whenever I blow my nose
Since it was repierced

happy sickness

I am very very late for work today, as I've been singing to the porcelain all morning.

=)

irritation

Everything is annoying me today. The sound of people's voices, the way others are driving, routine tasks at work. I find myself with a snotty inner monologue, narrating snappy thoughts and snarky comments to everything that's going on around me.

It's a little better now that I've eaten something. But for the most part, I want to just bite everyone's head off.

I know most of my irritation is unfounded, and I don't have the capacity to distinguish between what is deserved and what isn't. So I'm just keeping quiet.

chill

By the time they called this morning I was feeling a little bit silly. But the nurse was very kind. She isn't always, I got the same one who told me "Let's not get too excited yet, let's wait and see what happens."

I was right. She told me to chill. But in a nice way, and when I thanked her for calling me back and for not laughing at me, she said, "Oh of course! Don't even worry about it!" I'm sure they're used to hormonal women worried about their babies. After all, each of us that they deal with has been through a lot to get here. Just the merest suggestion that something might be wrong is horrifying, even when it comes from someone compeltely unqualified to have an opinion.

Man I wish I could sleep. I'm exhausted, but can't seem to keep my eyes closed. Oh well. Baby practice. ;-)

much better

So I did my own little version of confirmation that the bean is still there. Which is to POAS, of course. ;-) I still have tests from the past two weeks lined up on my window sill so I can see the line get darker and darker. Last night was my darkest line yet, even darker than the control line, and before the control line even showed up. Unscientific? Yup. Reassuring? You betcha.

So I told DH, "I know you don't care as much as I do, and probably think I'm just nuts, but I'm going to show you anyway because you're a good guy and I know you'll humor me, so look!" Showed him the test from two days ago (I REALLY like seeing that line show up, and I had a stock of tests still) and the one from last night, and he of course made the appropriate ooh and aah noises. So then I say, "Here I am complaining that all my symptoms dissapeared, but obviously I'm still crazy." And he says, "Well... I wasn't going to say..." I said, "Seriously? You were thinking that?" "... Yeah..."

Cracked me up. It's amazing how a fluctuation in hormones can make an otherwise sane and rational woman absolutely nuts. Seriously. I feel like I'm going a bit insane. ;-)

Of course, last night I ate dinner and was immediately sick to my stomach. Couldn't sleep for the heartburn, so I had to use my new wedge pillow. Then I just couldn't sleep, got up at 5 (STARVING, had to eat), and have been making Christmas lists for the past two hours.

Yeah. And I was worried.

expectations

They told me that once I got pregnant, it wouldn't matter how it happened. For the most part, they were right. I'm so happy to be pregnant, I don't really care that it happened in a room with an audience, someone else doing the aiming.

But that doesn't mean I am done grieving my infertility. There is part of me that is still sad that we had to have so much help. I was not the first person to find out we were pregnant. First a lab tech, then the doctor, than the nurse, then me. It's not a horrible thing, and I know that in the "olden days" the doctor found out first (or the poor bunny, who found out when she met her maker). But I had an expectation for how it was "supposed" to be, and it turned out to be different.

Which really shouldn't surprise me. I mean, how many things in life turn out just exactly how we imagine them to be? Even now, as I'm pregnant, it's not what I expected. I expected to spend every minute fretting and worrying about the baby. Until today, I haven't worried a bit. I've been convinced that this is It, this is The One, this baby ain't going nowhere and I'm going to be just fine. It's been nothing but happiness and grins.

Of course, today I heard horror stories about someone's multiple miscarriages, and it freaked me out. My pregnancy symptoms have decreased this past week, which of course has me convinced that something's wrong. If the hormones are getting stronger, and my baby is growing, shouldn't I be feeling MORE sick, instead of less? Today there's no morning sickness, the heartburn isn't so bad, my boobs don't hurt, I'm not as bloated as I was... So of course I panicked and called the doctor to tell them "I don't feel pregnant anymore! You're the experts, and I'm freaking out, so I'm calling you so you can tell me whether I should come in or if I should just chill." They're closed of course, but I'll probably hear from them tomorrow morning. And they'll probably tell me to chill.

And then I remember - lunch made me totally sick to my stomach. I had heartburn all afternoon. I still have those gassy cramps I've had for two weeks. I'm not bleeding, or spotting, even a little. I bought one of those wedge pillows to sleep on, which I used for the first time last night, and maybe it just worked, which is why I actually slept well last night.

So I have come to at least one conclusion about pregnancy. It makes me crazy. At least that is EXACTLY as I expected!

five week mark

I can't believe I've known I'm pregnant for the past 10 days. It still seems surreal. I'm having an easier time wrapping my head around "I'm going to be a mommy" than I am "I'm pregnant."

Today is the five week mark. Which strikes me as hilarious, since the IUI was only three weeks ago. Ah, pregnancy math. Douglas Adams should have powered a spaceship on that one.

My levels continue to go up.
Beta #1 @ 12 DPIUI 34.5
Beta #2 @ 16 DPIUI 170.0
Beta #3 @ 20 DPIUI 1112.0

It's a doubling rate of about a day and a half, which is very good considering they like to see it double at least every two days.

Friday is my first ultrasound - they say there's the slightest possibility we might maybe see the heartbeat, no promises. That would be freaky cool, but I'm not holding my breath. I just want more confirmation that this little fella is sticking and growing and all is as it should be.

I keep POAS. Every day I test again to see if the line is getting darker. I have them all lined up on my window sill, so I can see the progression. Yesterday the line was almost as dark as the control line, and it's interesting to see that I didn't really start to get a noticeable line until about three days after my doctor confirmed pregnancy.

So far the morning sickness has hit, but seems to be better this week now that I'm giving in to the exhaustion and getting more sleep. The heartburn won't cooperate, though, and keeps me up every couple of hours. It's okay, though, as I'm up anyway to pee. What I don't like so much is waking up with so much acid in my stomach that I puke for 20 minutes. I can go most of the day peeing only a few times, but come night time I'm up every two hours. I have no idea what that is about. I'm also so bloated that I have one pair of pants that's fitting me, and only with a rubber band looped through the button hole. I'm told the bloating goes away after a few weeks, and then my pants will fit again until the bump starts to show. Other than that, my boobs are sore as hell and my sense of smell seems to have kicked into high gear.

All in all, it seems like a perfectly normal pregnancy. =) And I'm loving every minute of it. I waited too long for this to do nothing but bitch and moan about it for the next nine months. I know that there will come a time, probably before too long, that my physical symptoms get the best of me and I break down into a puddle of tears. That's okay, too. For the most part, though, I want to try and enjoy this as much as I can.

holy crap!

Okay, now it's hitting me.

I'm going to be a mommy! Whatever happens from this point on, I can never again say I've never been pregnant. I actually used the phrase "Because I'm the momma now!" to my own mother tonight. (She was pushing me to tell her the names we've been thinking of.)

I have a million things I need to do!

1. Clean the house. No, I mean REALLY clean the house.
2. Including the "spare room," which has been a cat room, and needs to be a baby room.
3. Patch up the walls - the electricians left holes in the walls when we had the house rewired. Last year. It gets drafty.
4. Ooh, we need heat! I can't raise a baby in a house without heat!
5. Or a bathtub! Our tub definitely needs to be reglazed. Maybe with the money we don't have to spend on IVF now, we should just redo the bathroom...
6. I need to stop saying "Fuck" so much. Better practice now, so Baby G's first word isn't the f-bomb.
7. I need to return those pants I bought yesterday! What was I thinking?!
8. We need to get a video camera.
9. We need to get life insurance.
10. We need to make wills.

I also have a million questions!

1. What kinds of cheese do I need to avoid? I know blue and brie, most soft cheeses. Does this include Feta? Kasseri? Is there a list somewhere? I need to google this!
2. I know honey is bad for babies under two - is it okay while pregnant?
3. What are the good books I need to read? Which are the bad ones I should avoid?
4. I need to find a plus-size maternity store. Is that a question or a thing to do?
5. Is it safe to keep getting my hair dyed?
6. What about getting my nails done?
7. How soon should I tell work? Not 'til after Thursday's results are in, that's for damn sure. But how soon? Weeks? Months? Before I start to show, but after I feel it's safe.
8. Is Thanksgiving too soon to tell family? Should I wait for Christmas?
9. How are we going to handle the holidays in the years to come? FIL is on the east coast, MIL is in Washington, and my family is all here. I don't want to spend the holidays with MIL, but I'm sure she'll want to meet her grandbaby.
10. Oh! When should we tell HIS family?!

Okay, so it's not really a million. But it's a lot, and I keep thinking of things. Don't worry, though. It's not stressful, worrying thinking. Mostly it's excited fun thinking.

beta

So it's been a quiet cycle for me, blogwise. We did another injectible/IUI cycle, and it went pretty much as predicted. We had three eggs this time, including one from my lazy-ass left ovary, which seemed promising. Beta this morning.

I am officially With Child. Pregnant. Bun in the oven, in the family way, knocked up.

I will wait eagerly for Thursday's test to tell me how quickly the numbers are climbing. As of now, I am happy. =) I refuse to worry about this. I refuse to think stressfull what-if thoughts. I will enjoy this, revel in it, and know once and for all that yes, I can get pregnant! My eggs like DH's sperm! We don't have to do IVF!

So, when does it start to feel real...?